THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #49: SHOOTING AT DORK HIGH

[When I was still in college, I worked at the local library with this guy who put together a parody news website regarding Elmhurst, IL. It was called the Suburban Ghetto. He learned that I liked to write, and he invited me to be a part of this lunacy. I wrote a bunch of articles, but then the whole thing folded. Not one of them was ever posted. This was the first. It was fresh on the heels of Columbine. In case you haven't noticed, school shootings are a sore point with me. I think that the fact that they're still happening on a regular basis is sheer lunacy. What follows is my raw reaction to what is arguably the school shooting that started them all. One further note: I was instructed that I couldn't use real names and places. For example, Elmhurst had to be referred to as Elmhood. York High had to be referred to as Dork High. So on and so forth.]

Two students shot their way through Dork High School yesterday, killing a total of 25 students and two faculty members, and injuring 50 people before killing themselves.

According to police, Eric Idiot, 16, and Randy Fuckface, 16, walked into school at 8:00 a.m., wearing combat boots and black trench coats, carrying two revolvers and a shotgun between the two of them, according to school officials. As they opened fire, ten cars in the student parking lot exploded. From that moment on, they walked up and down the hallways, laughing as they shot fellow students.

Laurie Petite, 16, was shot in the back of the leg by Idiot, according to school officials. “It was terrible,” Petite sobbed. “I was looking down the barrel of a gun, and they laughed at me before shooting me.”

Police discovered the remains of pipe bombs in the cars that had exploded. Sgt. Dick Friendly, weapons expert, said the boys must have gotten the directions for making the pipe bombs off the Internet. As for the guns, he said they were the following: a .32 and a .44 revolver and a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun, all of which belongs to Ass Fuckface.

The elder Fuckface knew of his son’s pipe bombs. “Him and that Idiot boy were making them in his room,” he said. “Randy told me it was for a science project.”

Their science teacher, Edward Coli, always thought the two boys strange for a long time. “They would sit in the back of the class,” Coli said. “They’d never speak English when talking with each other. They spoke French.”

Student Frank Jockitch, 17, has always expected the two boys to take violent action. “With names like Idiot and Fuckface, it was only a matter of time,” he said.

Police were allowed to examine the belongings of both boys, and they found journals that stated they planned to kill everyone at Dork and move on to the rest of Elmhood after that, police said.

“We also found they had strange tastes,” Detective Ram Bumford said. “They owned a lot of Barry Manilow CDs, as well as stuff by the Partridge Family, Bing Crosby and Yanni.”

Mayor Phony Morepoocci was shocked by the Dork shootings. “This is inexcusable,” he said at a press conference. “We must put our foot down and take more freedom away from students. They can’t be allowed to wipe their own asses without a hall monitor watching them.”

Dork Principal Linda Donkey has already taken steps at doing just that. “Students will be accompanied by an adult everywhere they go in this school,” she said. “Also, hall monitors will be armed and given the right to use whatever force necessary when dealing with students.”

Hall Monitor Colt Triggerhappy, 44, was gleeful when he heard this. “It’s about time,” he said. “Now I can blow those cocky bastards away, like they deserve.”

The school has also applied the death penalty to smoking, swearing and being late to lunch, according to Donkey. “These kids just have to learn that shooting people isn’t the answer, and this is the only way they’ll learn,” she said.

The funerals for the dead students and teachers will be held in a week.

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