GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #706: ONE MOTHERFUCKING YEAR (and two days)

In case you missed it on my social media I did, indeed, make it to one motherfucking year without booze. This calls for a celebration! WHO'S FUCKING DRINKING?!?!?!?!

It's motherfucking booze time!

Woo-hooooooooo!!!!

Just kidding. It's apple juice.

See?

I know, I know, it may seem like a cruel joke, but to be fair I did test the waters out earlier this year. I mentioned, I think on Twitter, maybe not Facebook, that for April Fool's I should tell people I'd relapsed. Surprisingly few people objected, and a handful said they would think that was funny, so what the hell.

Here's a weird thing I didn't expect. The instant I put the ice in my Wild Turkey glass I felt this weird sensation. I wouldn't call it pleasure or pain, just weird. I only drink Tang out of my Wild Turkey glasses now, and you don't drink Tang on the rocks. It would dilute the awesomeness that is Tang. But I used to actually drink booze out of these things. On the rocks. And it set off a weird tripwire in me somewhere.

When I went to take the picture of me drinking, my body didn't want to do it. I had to remind my own body that it wasn't actually whiskey. I had to smell it again to confirm it before I actually put the glass to my lips. It was kind of weird sitting there with the rest of that glass by my side, just like I always used to have a glass of whiskey at my side whenever I got out of work. Just looking at it made me feel funky.

Did detox put me through the Ludovico Technique?

NOOOO! NOT BOOKERS!!!!
"Bookers? Eh, can't be helped."

If so, why did they not put everyone through it? Because I know people who were there with me who relapsed.

What if I had poured whiskey in there? Would my body have let me take the drink? I'm starting to wonder. It's possible that I might not even be able to drink anymore. Like, physically. If I tried I think my body would freeze and wouldn't let me.

Perhaps there's comfort in that. I guess if I ever do relapse, then I'll have to force myself to do it. I can't be the only one who thinks that. Any other addicts out there who are sure they'd have to go out of their way to relapse?