GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #296: THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

I have to say that I'm shocked by how successful my gofundme has been. One day, and I'm already over my goal. I have so many thanks to give all who pitched in and helped out. I should be able to cover my meds for a while, which should buy me the time to get a job with medical insurance. I'm so grateful to you all. Thank you so much! When I lost my insurance, I considered creating a gofundme, but fear held me back. Who would contribute? I didn't think it would get far beyond maybe twenty bucks. You all surprised the hell out of me. Again, thank you!


I have to say, though, I don't think it would have been possible without the help of one person.


I've been a fan of Joe Hill's since Heart-Shaped Box came out. I followed his career through books and comic books. I met him once at Andersons in Naperville. I've kept up with NOS4A2 on AMC and Locke & Key on Netflix and his Creepshow episode, etc. I'm so glad that this explosion of attention he is getting is happening. Because not only is he an amazing author, he's also a good person.


All I meant to do was comment on Twitter on how much I enjoyed Locke & Key. It got his attention, and he must have seen my post about running out of Paxil. He said if I put together a gofundme, he'd contribute. That gave me the courage I needed to create the page. Not only did he do that, but he retweeted it to everyone who followed him, and a lot of them responded very positively. A lot of them even contributed and put me over my goal.


See? The internet isn't always the cesspool people say it is. Maybe tonight this shouldn't be called Goodnight, Fuckers. Because a lot of you--maybe even most of you reading this--are definitely not Fuckers. You are good people.


Thank you so much, Joe Hill, for everything.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #176: AUTHOR PHOTOS

You know, I truly love some author photos. When I was a kid I told myself that every author photo of mine would be me holding a stuffed dolphin like a gun. Maybe I'll still do that. For now this is what I have:

I think it's pretty cool. I'm drinking in it, so it's a good depiction of me. It's kind of old, and I've gotten a bit fat, but Chuck Palahniuk always said to take your author photos when you're young, so . . . By the way this picture is also on my business card. I'm proud of it.


You know who has great author photos? People in the bizarro anti-genre. I love those folks, and I'm glad that I'm in that group. But when I think about truly outstanding author photos? I'm mostly thinking about Joe Hill's for THE FIREMAN.

Most authors published by the big boys want their photos to look like they're thoughtful or important. Joe Hill just looks like he's having a lot of fun. He's just being him, not the pretentious fuck that most of the rest of us are trying for.


Here's another great author photo from Hunter S. Thompson's KINGDOM OF FEAR:

Who the fuck does that? Someone who just wants to be himself, of course. Don't be plain, fellow writers. Let your freak flag fly, as they say. The author photo is, and I know I'll get some weird glances from this, an art. Just like the author bio. Let's not be boring, eh? Let's strive for excellence, as Outlaw Vern would say.

Outlaw Vern's author photo

COOL SHIT 1-30-14

[Friendly reminder: Cool Shit is not a comic book review. It’s just what I think is the best gathering of books that came out this week. Because of this, there will be spoilers. The spoilers for this week are in the last selection, ALL-STAR WESTERN #27.]

WRAITH #3: Charlie Manx is one of the finest villains in horror history, and it’s good to see that writer Joe Hill has decided to do a comic book series about him. The antagonist of NOS4A2 has walked into the middle of a prison bus escape. A former circus geek, a movie mogul who accidentally killed his lover during a moment of kinky sex and a moral father who might have committed murder to avenge the wrongful death of his son (we still don’t know for sure if this is the case, but it sure looks that way) have crashed their prison bus and have taken their guards captive. The mogul happens to be a friend of Charlie Manx, and he contacts the creep to help them escape the authorities. The only problem is, they have to go to Christmasland to do it . . . I love the reactions of all three criminals in the back of the Wraith as they first realize how strange the car is, and then when they see Christmasland and its toothy denizens with their own eyes.

SERENITY: LEAVES ON THE WIND #1: Looks like FIREFLY has returned to comics yet again. The Browncoats may be making a comeback in this book. A new revolution is beginning, thanks to Mal’s actions at the end of the film. Could it be that the Alliance is about to come to pieces? And what the fuck is Jayne doing off on his own? I just have one problem: can we please, pretty-fucking-please, stop using the leaf-on-the-wind phrase? It’s getting driven into the ground. That scene was very moving in the film, a very powerful moment, and to see it constantly cheapened over and over again is nauseating. Also, who wants to take bets that writer Zack Whedon is going to bring Wash back to life somehow?

ALL-STAR WESTERN #27: At first, I was going to say that this was the single worst issue of anything that ever featured Jonah Hex in it. Even worse than the Booster Gold issues. Almost the whole book is a waste of time. First of all, the first seven pages are dedicated to Superman showing off to Hex, flying him around and then throwing boulders into the air so he can use his heat ray eyes to make them explode. Fuck that shit. Most of the rest of the book shows Hex’s girl showing him around a Jonah Hex exhibit at a museum, and this includes a display of his taxidermied corpse. So it would seem that the New 52 is sticking to canon on that point. That’s kind of cool, but it’s not enough to redeem the rest of the bullshit of this book.

And then . . . then came the last panel. Oh please, I beg of the DC gods, let this be the last issue of ALL-STAR WESTERN. This would be the perfect ending to the series. Jonah Hex dies in a drunk driving collision, his motorcycle versus a big rig 18-wheeler? It makes perfect sense. Let it end here. Don’t give us a next issue which starts with him in a hospital bed covered in bandages. Or even worse, don’t let this be the way he gets back to the Wild West. That’s stupid. He’s got to be dead. Look at all that blood. Hex doesn’t have super powers. It should be next to impossible for a motorcyclist to survive crashing into a truck head on. I know, there’s no way DC will go with that. But I can hope. Fuck me for being a completist. If I had the willpower to quit this series, I’d take my THE FOLLOWING stance with it. (I refuse to watch the new season of THE FOLLOWING because I think the ending of season one is the perfect ending to that story.)

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LOCKE & KEY: ALPHA #2: [Remember, Cool Shit usually contains spoilers, so tread lightly.] So this is it. The final issue of my favorite ongoing comic book series, and it’s a big motherfucker with 10 extra pages, plus a bunch of extras in the back. It starts out with Bode’s funeral, which is perfectly juxtaposed with how this series began. Remember, when we first met Mr. Locke’s family, it was at his funeral, and the panels match perfectly. But this isn’t about tragedy. No, this is about tying up loose ends, and it only makes sense that it’s Ty that does it. He goes back to the ruins of their home and does the one thing no one really expected him to do: he saves Lucas Caravaggio from the well. Pretty crazy, no? He does a couple of other things while he’s there, one of which alleviates a lot of sorrow, and after another funeral, Ty closes out the series with one final talk with his dead father. It’s a very beautiful issue, not just due to Joe Hill’s outstanding writing, but also because of Gabriel Rodriguez’s incredible artwork. Hill asked Rodriguez to do some of the craziest art in comics history, and the guy fucking delivered each and every time. He’s easily my favorite artist working in the industry today. I’m going to miss this series.

Check out this awesome quote from Mr. Locke: “Death isn’t the end of your life, you know. Your body is a lock. Death is the key. The key turns . . . and you’re free. To be anywhere, everywhere, two places at once. Nowhere. Part of the background hum of the universe.”

So that’s it. If you have any problem with how this book ended, Joe Hill has something for ya’:

COOL SHIT 9-12-13

KICK-ASS 3 #3:  Aw, man!  The BATMAN:  YEAR ONE plan didn’t work out.  That’s all right, I guess.  Things got pretty fucked up without it.  The Motherfucker is back in action, too, but the real star of this one was Hit-Girl and how she’s been conducting herself in prison.  Drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes, and castrating drug dealers.  Good times.

THE WALKING DEAD #114:  The stage is set for “All Out War.”  Jesus did a lot of ass kicking this issue, more than you’ve ever seen him do before.  Hell, he managed to upstage Ezekiel’s tiger.  More importantly, Rick is constantly reminded of his fuck up by everyone else.  He’s been too undependable lately, so hopefully this shit gets him back in working order.  And Negan?  Oh, he’s pissed.  The shit hits the fan next month, and I can’t wait!

LOCKE & KEY:  ALPHA #1:  Wow.  Now we finally know Dodge’s plan, and holy shit, it’s even crazier and more destructive than anyone could imagine.  It’s much better than the usual rule-the-world bullshit.  A lot of the plot gets wrapped up in this issue.  People die, things are destroyed, and Tyler shows off a very valuable talent.  It looks like all that’s left is an epilogue.  That final panel is an absolute heart-breaker.  And check it out:  in the back, they show some pictures taken during the making of the ill-fated pilot episode of LOCKE & KEY.  It looks like things really came together on that pilot.  It’s a shame this is probably the closest we’ll ever come to seeing it.  1 ISSUE LEFT!

MEETING AUTHORS #6: JOE HILL

I’ve been a fan of Joe Hill’s since I picked up his first novel, HEART SHAPED BOX, when it was new.  I’d heard many good things about him, but I had not yet heard who his father was at the time.  I found out just before I started reading it, so comparisons to Stephen King were inevitable.  I’m glad to say that Hill’s work kicks a lot of ass, and I’d put it up against almost anything his old man has written.  (Almost.)

Imagine my surprise upon learning that Hill was going to be signing at Anderson’s in Naperville.  How many writers have I met there over the years?  It’s a great place to go for signings, if a bit tight, but as soon as I learned the news, I went to the bookseller’s website to check out the details.

Woe unto me!  You could only get a ticket for the event if you bought a copy of NOS4A2, his most recent novel, at the store!  I had preordered it from Water Street, and it came personally signed to me.  I had to sit down and think about whether or not it would be worth it to buy an extra copy of the book, just so I could meet the author.

The quandary didn’t last very long.  I ordered it at their website and got my ticket number:  59.  Not bad.  I guessed they could fit about a hundred people in there, so I was around the halfway mark.  Cool.  As for the extra book, I figured I could give it so someone as a gift, maybe my brother, Danny, whose birthday was coming up at the time.

Anyway, I gathered up my copies of HEART SHAPED BOX, 20^TH CENTURY GHOSTS, and HORNS, as well as the first issue of LOCKE & KEY, the night before.  I drove out to Naperville the next day two hours in advance, knowing that traffic would be shitty, and that I wanted to get there early enough to get good parking and maybe a seat.

When I first walked into the store, I noticed that there was a camera crew hiding down an aisle.  Then, I noticed they weren’t hiding; they were filming.  Who?  Joe Hill, of course.  He’d gotten there early and was doing an interview.

I think this is the second signing I’ve ever gone to where the author has arrived not just on time, but early.  Chuck Palahniuk was the first.  I can’t get over how cool this is.  I’m just too used to authors showing up a half an hour late, fresh from the plane.

Later, I saw on Twitter that he’d mentioned getting there early and was “secret shopping” for books.  I have NEVER heard of an author shopping at the store before their event began.  How fucking cool is that?

All right, so I showed up early, but I still didn’t get a seat.  Couldn’t find one away from the signing, either.  I’d intended to pick up my book, sit down, relax, and start reading it until the event began.  Instead, I stood and started reading.  I wound up with an amazing spot, right behind the last row of seats.  I had the perfect vantage point of the table where he’d be speaking.

Still, the older I get, the harder it is to stand still in one place, especially if I’m trying to read while standing.  Have you seen how big NOS4A2 is?  It’s about 700 pages long, and I practically killed my arms holding it up so I could read for about a half an hour.  Even typing this the next day, I can feel the pain.

I spent some time getting acquainted with Charlie Manx and Vic McQueen while I waited.  Things got pretty crowded, as I expected.  It was hard to avoid being jostled while trying to read.  And then, Joe Hill strode out and stood behind the table.

At this point, everyone in the crowd held up their phones to get a picture of him.  You think I’m exaggerating?  No.  I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT ROOM DID THIS.  Except for me.  I’m not a picture guy.  I think an experience is a bit more magical if you don’t record it.

And then, Hill whipped out his own phone and held it up to the crowd.  “Everyone,” he said, “say hi to Twitter!”

Can you point me out?

Wow.  This was quickly becoming one of the most fascinating signings I’d ever been to.

The next day, I saw his tweet, and I saw my own chubby grinning face near the back, waving my hand.

I’m sure you’ve seen a few pictures of him by now, and you’ve marveled at how much he looks like his father.  As soon as he opened his mouth, I realized that he also sounded exactly like King.  He doesn’t have much of the accent.  I think he tries to hide it a bit, but it comes out every once in a while.  As far as tone and volume go, he sounds like a thoughtful version of Jason Lee.

I will say this:  he reads better than his father does.  Hill read the prologue of NOS4A2, and not once did he ever sound goofy.  Nor did he drone.  King did both of those things when I’d met him about 15 years ago.

After this, he started the Q&A.  He mentioned that people sometimes got kind of shy when it came to this part, so to help matters, he said he would either ask himself questions, or he would find the person who looked the most timid and ask them if they knew the capital of Guatemala.  Everyone loosened up after that, and hands shot into the air.

Hill is an incredibly funny guy.  The only author I’ve seen at a signing who was quicker with a joke was Dave Barry, and well, you know.  He’s Dave fucking Barry.  Hill came off as a very nice, funny guy.  He seems to have accepted this part of being a writer very well, but I sensed there was maybe a little bit of apprehensiveness hidden behind all of this.  Later, when someone asked if being raised by two great writers ever had any negative effects, he mentioned being very insecure as a child.  I think there’s still a little bit of that in him, but he conducts himself very well.

Most of the questions were about his parents, his father in particular.  (One person seemed to know Stephen King but had no idea who Tabitha King is.)  He was pretty forthcoming about how he was raised, along with his brother Owen, who is also an author.  He did mention a family game, though, which I think is amazing.  His mother would roll a sheet of paper into a typewriter, and she’d write a few sentences.  She would then leave it, and whoever came into the room next would continue the story for a few sentences and leave it for the next person.  It would seem that the point was to write something that would be very difficult for the next writer to resolve.  He also mentioned that such exercises lost steam after a while because it would always devolve into obscenity.

When asked about collaborating with others, he said he couldn’t do it with someone outside of his family, mostly because he’s a control freak.  He’s okay with how things work out, provided he gets his way.

He also talked about why he went with Joe Hill as his name instead of Joseph King.  Naturally, it was because he didn’t want to cash in on his father’s name.  He wanted to make it on his own merits.  He knew that if the world knew who he really was, they would publish his book just because of that.  However, if the book sucked, no one would ever read his work again.  Fair enough.

He managed to keep the secret just so long as he was unsuccessful.  His breakthrough was when PS published 20^TH CENTURY GHOSTS in the UK.  He was able to sell HEART SHAPED BOX solely on the buzz he’d gotten on the collection of short stories.  However, as soon as people started paying attention, it was harder and harder to keep his lineage in the shadows.  By his estimation, he kept it a secret for 10 years.

And then he started doing appearances.  Signings.  Conventions.  People noticed how much he looked like Stephen King.  People realized that King had a son named Joseph HILLstrom King.  They put two and two together, and before long, people were posting on message boards and blogs about it.

Here’s the interesting thing:  whenever Hill saw something along those lines, he would send a private message to the poster, saying, “Hey, you got me.  I’m Stephen King’s son.  But I’m trying to keep that a secret, so I’d appreciate it if you’d take down your post.”  Shockingly enough, 100% of these people complied, mostly because they liked being in on the secret.

That’s amazing.  Could you imagine 100% of people agreeing about ANYTHING on the internet today?

Not all the questions were about his family, though.  There were some about the book, and about writing in general.  In response to one question, he said that he viewed each book as kind of a mystery for himself.  He wanted to find out who his characters were over the course of the book.  That’s the mystery.

A little girl asked him, “Who’s the main character?”

His response:  “Wow, that’s actually kind of an existential question, isn’t it?”  He then went on to say that every character in the book probably thought they were the main character.  Charlie Manx would probably view himself as the hero of the story.  But he said they would all be wrong except for Vic McQueen.

A young man confessed to being a high school teacher . . . teaching HEART SHAPED BOX to his kids.  First of all, I can’t even conceive of that.  There is no way in hell he could have been telling the truth.  I can’t envision any school letting a teacher assign that book to his students.  It seemed to surprise Hill a lot, too.  But the teacher said that the next test was coming up, and he wanted to put a “Joe Hill wants to know . . .” question on it.  It took Hill a moment to think about this.  It was the only question he didn’t have a quick answer to.  Finally, he warned the crowd that he was about to ruin the end of that particular book, and that if they haven’t read it yet, they should cover their ears and go lalalala for a while.  When people didn’t react to this, he said, “No, seriously.  I’m about to ruin the end to HEART SHAPED BOX right now.”  His question to the students?  SPOILER ALERT!  “Do you think Judas and Marybeth stay together after the book’s done?”  If you feel like answering that question yourself, post it in the comments below.  END OF SPOILERS.

Time started growing short, so he went into the rapid-fire Q&A section, in which he said he would still take questions, but he would answer them a lot more quickly.  Sure enough, he lived up to it.  It went so quickly I couldn’t even keep track of the questions.

After this, it was time for the signing.  He said he would sign 3 items per person, and he would personalize one of them.  If you had more stuff, he’d sign it, but he asked that after their turn, that they go to the back of the line so as to be fair to everyone.  I had three books, plus the one I’d just bought, in addition to the issue of LOCKE & KEY.  I wanted HORNS personalized, since that was my favorite.  I also wanted to make sure he got HEART SHAPED BOX and 20^TH CENTURY GHOSTS.  I figured if things went smoothly, I’d swoop around later for the other two.

People moved out of their seats to get into line, so I sat down for a while and read NOS4A2 while I waited for my section of numbers to be called.  I got through about 90 pages before that happened.  Not bad.  I read almost all of SURVIVOR while waiting for Palahniuk, just to give you an idea.

By that time, the hour had grown too late, and since there were about 100 people after me (more than I thought there would be), I just decided to get the three signed.  I had the other copy of NOS4A2 at home, anyway.

I stood in line, thinking I would tell him about my mom.  There was a super-long version of that story, but I knew I would have a brief period of time, so I edited it down.  My mom died a few years ago.  Her and I were kind of distant, but we always seemed to agree on reading material, at least when it came to comic books.  Near the end of her life, she loved THE BOYS, LOCKE & KEY, and THE WALKING DEAD almost as much as I did.  These three books (as well as PREACHER, HITMAN, and EVIL ERNIE about 10 years ago) that brought us together.  However, about two weeks before she died, she went into a coma.  She was put in hospice, and the very last time I saw her, I realized it was probable that the next time would be in a funeral home.

The one thing that scares me about death is that I’ll die before I know how all of my series end.  I knew she would feel the same way, so I held her hand, and I made up how those stories ended.  I knew she could hear me because the last time she’d been in a coma, back when I was in high school, and she’d been in a car accident with a UPS truck, when she woke up, she told me that she’d heard me all those times.

She died the very next day.

As Hill signed my books, I told the shortest version of this story I could.  I’d meant it as a feel-good story, trying to show the positive impact he’d had on my life, as well as my mom’s.  I think my story bummed him out a little.  He was very quiet and nervous when I told him about this.

He did ask me how I’d ended it, though.  I told him I don’t think Ty makes it.  Their mom doesn’t make it, either.  I thought Kinsey would step up and save everyone.  (We’ll find out if I’m right soon.  LOCKE & KEY has two issues to go.)

I couldn’t help it.  As I told him this, I kept a very sharp eye on him, to see if he had any tells, to see if I’d nailed any of this.  He kept a poker face.  In fact, he didn’t even look up at me as he drew devil’s horns on the O of the title HORNS.  After, he said, “I hope you like how it ends.”  I shook his hand, and he told me, “Be safe.”

It was at that point that I realized I must have come off as very depressed.  I hope I didn’t give that impression.  I’m not a suicidal guy.  Sure, my mom’s death gets to me from time to time.  I’m over it, for the most part.  It’s just that every once in a while, when I’m not expecting it, it sneaks up on me and cripples me.

But I didn’t mean to bring down the party.  I saw some of the pictures he’d taken at the event, and they were all pretty cool.  If you missed out, you missed out on a good time.  If you ever get the chance to meet Joe Hill, do it.  He’s a hell of a nice guy.  If you can meet him at Anderson’s in Naperville, also try that.  It’s one of the greatest places to meet an author.  The next time you’re in the area, head on in and keep an eye out for framed pictures on the wall of authors who have held signings there.

And be sure to pick up NOS4A2.  I’m not done with it yet, but so far, it kicks all form of ass.

[EDIT:  I have long since finished NOS4A2.  Yes, it kicks ass.  HORNS is still my favorite, but NOS4A2 is up there.]

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CROSSED: BADLANDS #1: Garth Ennis returns to the book he launched for Avatar. Once again, we have a new band of survivors, a new group of people to get to know before Ennis ruthlessly murders them. This time out, he runs into a problem he created for Lapham and Spurrier on their series: he has to one-up everything that has come before. Ennis is up to the task; in the most horrifying scene, he has a Crossed driving a car and throwing a living baby at someone. The baby splatters all over the place, and since Jacen Burrows has also returned to illustrate, we get to see the gory results. Good times ahead, folks. Good times.

G.I. JOE: INFESTATION #1: Fuck me. This kind of surprised me. Something good is actually coming from IDW’s stupid INFESTATION cross-over. Cobra finds a Mythos relic and they’re trying to figure out how to use it to kill people. The best part: watching Interrogator go among his patients, insane Cobra soldiers who are no longer fit to serve. Good stuff.

ANGEL AND FAITH #7: So Drusilla is sane for the first time in centuries, and she wants to help Angel forget about all the evil things he’s done in his life, to make him a better person. Angel rebels against the idea, as would any intelligent human being. Who wants to take away things that make one human? Faith’s father has also showed up, and he seems to have good intentions, as he’s been sober for six months. Yet . . . it looks like he has other intentions. Things are getting very interesting here.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #5: Now we finally know what turned Dodge into the monster we first met at the bottom of the well. Well, not the whole story, but we know that Rendell used the Head Key on him and removed all memories of the Door. Dodge turns into a complete dick, so much so it hurts. Poor Ellie’s heart is absolutely destroyed because of it. To top things off, Joe Hill throws in another surprise: Rendell’s ghostly mother is hanging out in the well house. Weird. 8 ISSUES TO GO.

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ROAD RAGE #1: I knew I’d like this one well before I picked it up, and not just because Stephen King and Joe Hill are listed as the writers. I’m very familiar with their adapted story, “Throttle,” so I already dig the characters and the situation. (Quick note: King and Hill just approved of the story; the guy who adapted it to the page is Chris Ryall.) And come on, let’s face it, this is a wet dream come true for horror fans. Father and son working together? Who could pass it up? I first encountered it as the audio book read by Stephen Lang, and I have loved it ever since. It was originally a part of an anthology, HE IS LEGEND, a collection of stories inspired by Richard Matheson. This one was inspired by DUEL, which will be adapted next for this title. So . . . am I turned-on by this? Like a motherfucker. The only problem is Ryall is a bit rushed, so some really good exposition goes right out the window. When these bikers start getting killed by the guy in the truck, I don’t give a shit about any of them. He also cut out one of my favorite exchanges from the story, about a four-letter word for something one character does to another’s mother. (The answer: GALL.) Still, it’s a good primer for King, Hill, and Matheson’s work, so check it out.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION #1: The more I hear about the new G.I. Joe movie, the more I want to see it. I think it might just kick the shit out of the first one, and this movie prequel helps reinforce that idea. Mainframe gets taken hostage by ninja (as we learn in this issue, the plural of “ninja” is “ninja”), and Snake Eyes and Roadblock fail to get him back. In fact, Roadblock get so pissed off he decks Hawk and gets locked up for it. Also, they’re not afraid to kill Joes off. Charbroil goes out in a pretty nasty way. The only drawback: Storm Shadow’s still alive. Fuck that pussy shit. Kill off the guy, and don’t do any take-backs.

WONDER WOMAN #6: This book flounders a lot. It’s hard to say whether it’s good or not, but the current issue has a pretty cool concept. Wonder Woman is manipulating Poseidon and Hades together in an attempt to get something that she wants. Not bad, Azzarello. Not bad. The only thing is . . . do you miss writing for HELLBLAZER? Is that what this Lennox fellow is about? Because let’s face it, aside from the whole being built of stone thing, he’s Constantine. Come on. A blond, chain-smoking trenchcoated Englishman who knows his way around magic and sardonic one-liners? Why didn’t you just use Constantine? Get him out of that awful JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK book.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #2: Goddam, do I love the direction this franchise is taking! Rodimus is still trying to account for everybody after their ship nearly exploded, and in the meantime, Skids, the theoretician of the group, gets to battle robots with giant swords. Cyclonus is inducted onto the team, and . . . and . . . I’m giddy. They even have a list of the crew on the last page. This could very well be the best series in the entire run of this book, and I’m even throwing the G1 stuff in there.

HELLBLAZER #288: I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this. Wait, actually I can: approximately 200 issues. John Constantine versus the First of the Fallen once again, and this time, the blue collar mage has chosen to take the ultimate gamble: the Devil’s Wager. The First gives him the chance to convince his sister to leave Hell, and if he succeeds, they’ll be rushed out. However, if he fails, the First gets Epiphany’s soul. And there’s a catch: any promise made in Hell must be honored in the land of the living. To add to the mess, Constantine’s evil twin is hanging around Cheryl in Hell (mostly because it’s entertaining). I cannot tell you how fucking happy I am right now. Comics have been really good to me today.

COOL SHIT 2-2-12

THE BOYS #63: Listen up, motherfuckers. If you’re not reading this book . . . I’ve failed you. I don’t know what else I can say to get you on board. I think I’ve gushed about every issue of this book since I started doing Cool Shit. Well, if you’re still (somehow) on the fence, there are only two issues left after this one. A shit-ton of longtime characters die in this issue. High profile characters. The Homelander’s plan is finally in full swing as superheroes attack Washington. He does such an efficient job because he has tricked both the Boys and Vought into fighting each other while he goes off and kills a bunch of politicians. Butcher is his usual charming self, while Hughie makes a decision which might damn him. Frenchie suffers a little while the Female . . . well, she kicks the shit out of a lot of people, which makes her very happy. This book is so hot, it scorched my hands while reading it. We’re headed for an all-out, fucked-up, gorefest of an ending. Butcher’s going to Washington, you see, and he’s going to get his longtime wish: a final showdown with the Homelander, the superhero who killed the love of his life. Get your head out of your ass and read this book. It is hands down my favorite ongoing series. I haven’t been so excited about a series since, well, PREACHER.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #4: Speaking of books that will end soon . . . although don’t worry. Joe Hill’s not nearly as close to the ending as Garth Ennis is with THE BOYS. (This one has nine issues to go.)  As with the previous issue, we get more of the back story of the Locke family, and what exactly Rendell Locke did that irreparably fucked up his group of friends. The pieces are all falling together. We’re almost ready for the final stretch of this story, now that we know how Caravaggio became the creature in the well. It is Rendell’s final magical act as a child, to create a key that will give all of his friends a piece of magic to carry with them for the rest of their lives, even though it’s forbidden by the rules of the house in which he lives. Wait until you read his plan and how it gets fucked up. In case you couldn’t tell, this is my second favorite ongoing series.  (My third is THE WALKING DEAD, which is nowhere near the end, if ever they reach an ending point.)


And now, before I finish up, I’d like to give you another installment of SHIT SHIT. No, I’m not going to talk about that bullshit INFESTATION 2: TRANSFORMERS book, although I should. They’re actually advertising it as steampunk. The fucking nerve . . . . And I’m not going to talk about the new WINTER SOLDIER book. Doesn’t Brubaker write enough CAPTAIN AMERICA books? He needs another one? No, what I want to discuss is . . .

G.I. JOE: A REAL AMERICAN HERO: IDW really needs to bring a stop to this book. I thought it was a cool idea at first, seeing as how my second favorite series when I was a kid was G.I. JOE. Since the title was so popular, why not bring the original series back and pick up where they left off? Well, I now know why not. This is a nostalgia book, nothing more. The stuff that happens in it might have been cool to little-kid me, but it all seems kind of stupid to my adult brain. Also, we have three perfectly good G.I. JOE titles going right now, full of awesome stuff that I occasionally talk about here in Cool Shit. I’ll admit, it’s sometimes fun to see the old Cobra Commander in action, but that alone does not make this a good book. Sorry, Mr. Hama. I genuinely like your stuff, but just not this. Please stop.

COOL SHIT 10-13-11

THE STAND: THE NIGHT HAS COME #3: I don’t bring this one up here enough. Honestly, I don’t think I need to. It’s just as good as the book, really. In fact, most of it is the book, Stephen King’s direct words. But the images really are spot on, way better than the TV mini-series. For this alone, you should really be reading this book. It brings THE STAND to life in a way no one else could do, certainly not a movie director. There’s a lot of ground to cover, so it’s abrupt in places, but it’s really a fine, dependable read. Give it a shot.

THE CAPE #2: What is this? A father/son edition of COOL SHIT? At first I was iffy on a sequel to Joe Hill’s THE CAPE. It was an excellent story that really stood on its own. But this new series is really good as we see Eric sink to all new lows. How can a guy who learns he has the ability to fly become such a douchebag? Christ, he’s willing to slit his own mother’s throat and set his brother on fire, simply because he’s jealous. And he’s supposed to be our protagonist? Yeesh.

JENNIFER BLOOD #5: A week can’t pass without me bringing up Garth Ennis. With this issue, we finally find out why Jennifer is killing all of her uncles. Apparently, she’s a daddy’s girl, and can you guess what her uncles did to her old man? To say they pulled a Julius Caesar on him is an understatement. Read this book and see the ugliest knifing you’ve ever seen. Even moreso, read this book to see the most brutal axe murder ever put to the page. Ennis keeps topping himself when it comes to savagery. Perhaps he should start writing CALIGULA after Lapham’s done . . . .

COOL SHIT 7-21-11

G.I. JOE: COBRA CIVIL WAR: SNAKE EYES #3: Snake-Eyes captured by Khallikhan?! Alpine seriously wounded? Helix versus impossible odds? And Iceberg trying to get Alpine down the mountain before a bunch of snow vipers kill them? Khallikhan’s interrogation of Snake-Eyes alone is worth the price of admission. And what with Slice and Dice hanging around in the shadows, anything can happen. Hell is coming down on these characters. Get in while the getting’s good!

THE TRANSFORMERS #22: Dude! Dude! DUDE! How many times have we seen Optimus Prime face off against Megatron? No matter how bad the repercussions, we all know how it’s going to work out. Nobody is going to permanently die. But this time, it’s different. It’s far more interesting than it’s ever been before because IT’S NOT A BATTLE TO THE DEATH. It’s a fucking conversation, perhaps one of the most important to ever happen in the Transformers universe. We finally get down to the differences (and some of the similarities) between the two mortal enemies. In fact, at some points they almost seem like friends reminiscing about the damage they’ve done to each other. If you were ever a fan of the Transformers, you need to read this issue. We even get to look into the past, to see a young Megatron more interested in peaceful rebellion, more interested in rhetoric, more interested in reasonable solutions to intolerable problems. I can’t tell you how much of a hard-on I got from this book.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #1: Just as things are coming to a head, writer Joe Hill brings things back to the past, back to revolutionary America, to the root of the Locke story. Finally we get a glimpse of how things started, how things got so crazy, at Keyhouse. And finally, the Lovecraft connection is complete, with references to Shub-Niggurath, the Goat of a Thousand Young. Things are quickly coming to an end in the world of this series. Now’s the perfect time to get on board (especially since the TV show is coming out pretty soon).

COOL SHIT 1-20-11

G.I. JOE/COBRA #12: How is it possible that this book can get any better? The argument between Tomax and Xamot finally comes to a head, and Xamot’s madness turns out to be surprisingly clever. Meanwhile, Chuckles is still up to his neck in shit as Cobra trains him to become the perfect double agent. I think the next issue is going to be the last, because a major fuckin’ character dies in this one. Next month, Chuckles and Xamot are supposed to fight to the death. I’m excited, folks. This new era of G.I. JOE books gives me a raging hard-on. Get with the program and start reading this one!

LOCKE AND KEY: KEYS TO THE KINGDOM #4: You’re still not reading this book? What the fuck? Writer Joe Hill says that he’s at the halfway mark in this story, so you don’t have a lot of time left. And this is a really good jumping on point. We get a shitload of answers in this issue. What is “Zack Wells” really up to? Got an answer. How can he/she be stopped? Got an answer. Why have a character like Rufus hanging around in the distant background? Got an answer, and it’s a doozy. If G.I. JOE/COBRA gives me a raging hard-on, this book gives me wet dreams. There are only 15 issues remaining. Again, GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

THE BOYS #50: Like I’m not going to talk about the fiftieth issue of THE BOYS. Please. It seems like it was only yesterday that this book was canceled by Wildstorm. I remember being pissed off at the time, but now that Wildstorm has been shut down, I’m grateful. In this issue, we find out that Butcher was inadvertently responsible for Mallory’s granddaughters being murdered by the supes, and as you can guess, it’s turned into a matter of contention between the two. We also find out how the Boys and the supes come to an uneasy stand-still, and also how the Boys lost their funding in the first place. More importantly, we finally find out why Maeve drinks so much, and considering the answer, no one could ever blame her. Oh, and we finally find out what happened to Lamplighter. All I can say is, I approve. Considering the animosity between Butcher and Mallory, I’m starting to wonder if the former murdered the latter for his own political reasons. The rest of the Boys are unaware, I’m sure, but I think that’s the direction Ennis is going in. Do I even have to ask you to get with the program? This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms.


I wish the publishers of these books would read Cool Shit. I would give anything to have my rave review, “This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms,” on the cover of the next issue . . . .

SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!

We’ve all been there. After a long, hard night of drinking and “doing terrible things,” the next morning is bound to be a tough one. However, Ig Perrish, the protagonist of Joe Hill’s new novel, HORNS, is about to go places where the rest of us cannot possibly imagine.

You see, Ig’s hangover is just the tip of the iceberg. Overnight, he has grown horns about the size of fingers out of his temples, and he has the sudden ability to touch people and know their deepest, darkest secrets. That’s not all: when in his presence, people confess their darkest immediate urges to him.

Not a bad power to have, provided that one is not a person of interest in a sex-murder case, like Ig just happens to be. He was accused (but not charged) with the rape and murder of his beloved high-school sweetheart, Merrin Williams. After the evidence gets destroyed in a lab fire, the authorities have no choice but to let him go. But everyone in town still believes he did it, although he remembers being passed out in his car in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts at the time.

Thanks to his new powers, everyone he runs across, even his own parents, confess to him that they think he did it. Ig is inundated with some of the darkest, heinous shit people believe about him, and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Because here’s the thing: he didn’t really do it. And early on in the book, he is gutted when someone close to him has something to admit to him . . . .

Human beings have a lot of vicious things in them, and HORNS showcases this grim reality in a rather horrifying way. As Ig, who is generally a good guy, hears more and more of the secrets those around him would rather keep secret, he grows more and more demoniac, twisted by the grotesque things he is told until he comes down to a decision: should he give in to the devil within? As the cover copy says, “Being good and praying for the best got him nowhere. It’s time for a little revenge . . . it’s time the devil had his due.”

There are no real weaknesses to this book; there are only strengths. This darkly comedic look at God versus the devil (and whether or not God even exists) is not content with this mere theological quandary. Also at stake are the nature of relationships, boyfriend-girlfriend, brother-brother, friend-friend, and even fuckbuddy-fuckbuddy. Not to be overlooked are the peeks into the past, where we get to see the characters as children. Hill is one of the few people who have not forgotten what it was REALLY like to be a kid. There were magical moments, but most of it was, well, criminal. Who among us, when we were finally out of view from our parents, did not commit questionable acts? Illicit fireworks, maybe a little thievery, and death-defying dares, things that would have made our parents age prematurely had they known we were doing them.

It’s all here. One of the funniest scenes is when a teenaged Ig is talking with his best friend about pornography. Ig finally admits to having some, and his hiding place is in an old Candyland box. When his friend sees the quality of this “porn,” he can’t help but laugh: the VANITY FAIR with a pregnant Demi Moore on the cover, a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, those kinds of things. Nothing a true connoisseur could get off on. Kid’s stuff.

For such a thoughtful treatise on the nature of good and evil, it is a very visceral book. From Ig’s reaction to the real killer’s identity to the scene where Merrin is dumping Ig, mere hours before she is murdered, the raw human emotion is splattered all over the page, captured by Hill and carefully disseminated to his readers.

Hill has a metric-ton of talent, and he’s only getting better. 20TH CENTURY GHOSTS was an impressive beginning, showing off his talent with short stories, and HEART-SHAPED BOX only turned up the heat. His semi-regular comic book series, LOCKE AND KEY is an absolute masterpiece, and now we have HORNS, one of the best horror novels to come out in a long time.

Joe Hill’s going to be around for a long time, and the best news is this: he keeps getting better. Keep your eyes out for him, folks, and you won’t be disappointed.

(P.S. On the inside of the front cover, you will find a Morse code message. It would behoove you to translate it. You’ll get three words in before you realize what it is, and you’ll at least get a chuckle out of it.)

HORNS by Joe Hill
Publisher: William Morrow
370 pages
$25.99