Monday, March 21, 2011

FUTURE BOOZE JESUS: THE FINAL CHAPTER


I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this will be the final installment of Future Booze Jesus. It has recently come to my attention that I have hypertension and diabetes. This means that I’ll have to stop consuming just about everything I love. I am a broken man, and the world will suffer for this. But that’s another story.

Fear not. I am not quitting the booze. Just cutting back. The doctor says that I am allowed 2 alcoholic drinks a week. Now that’s just silly, and it’s not going to happen. But I can no longer go on epic binges, like I usually do at the end of the week. Or in the middle of the week. Or on any day ending with a –y. No more excess means no more Future Booze Jesus, for it is only then that he comes out of my head.


I was just going to make the announcement and move on when I noticed there was still one question unanswered. On my final evening of boozing heavily, I allowed FBJ to take over, and this is his final piece of advice for the world.

Jon M. Lennon asks: "A friend of mine was groped by a midget in a public library!  Should I tell him to kill himself or should I do it myself?"

Future Booze Jesus says: YOU FOOL! Your friend must not be senselessly murdered! He should be venerated! To be groped by a midget is a great honor. Such incredibly good luck has befallen your friend. This means that he is graced by no higher power than my old man. He is destined for great things. President of the United States seems too small for the likes of him. Emperor of Earth has a nice ring to it. Support him in all things. Worship him, if necessary. But not too much. Remember, I’m the star of this show. Don’t make me go Old Testament on your ass.


There you have it, folks. The end of Future Booze Jesus. He was here for such a brief period of time before he was crucified by horrible health problems. He leaves behind this advice column, the video shot by Mike Navarro on my Facebook page, and a metric shit-ton of memories. I hope you were there for some of them.


Who knows? Maybe when my tolerance is lower, it won’t take so many drinks to get him out of my head. Pray for the Resurrection.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

C2E2 2011

Pay attention to this space in the next few weeks.  I'm going to try to have a new feature on this year's C2E2 every weekday until I run out of things to say.  Expect things like reviews of stuff I picked up, what it was like to meet some of my favorite writers and artists (and I ran into a few folks from last time), and what the 2 panels I attended were like, as well as a few impressions I got and observations I made.  I don't think I'll do an overview like I did last time, mostly because we all know that this convention is far superior to Wizard World Chicago.  Stay tuned!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

COOL SHIT 3-17-11

[NOTE:  THERE WAS ANOTHER BOOK I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT (THE NEW ISSUE OF SPIKE), BUT THE THING I WANTED TO MENTION IS A MAJOR SPOILER.  THERE IS NOTHING ELSE INTERESTING IN IT, SO IT WOULD BE POINTLESS TO BRING IT UP.  STILL AND ALL, I RECOMMEND THAT YOU PICK UP THE BOOK.  IN THE MEANTIME, THERE WAS ONLY ONE TITLE FOR THIS WEEK’S COOL SHIT:]


KOLCHAK:  THE NIGHT STALKER FILES #2:  Holy Jesus, it’s finally happened.  Kolchak has finally found his perfect job:  working at a tabloid.  Granted, he’s reluctant to take it on because he’s a REAL journalist, dammit.  But here he is, working a job where he can pick his own stories and write about whatever he wants (except for aliens; another reporter covers that beat).  And why the fuck would his editor kill any of his stories?  IT’S A TABLOID!  The paycheck is big, and it comes with insurance and a place to stay while he finds an apartment.  And don’t forget the office with a view.  It seems too good to be true.  Kolchak has moved to Miami, and just in time, too.  You see, a skunk ape has been killing folks, and guess who gets to cover this one.  Oh yeah.

Monday, March 14, 2011

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR BACH? A review of BOY WONDER


He’s an exceptional student, even when his peers fail on a regular basis. He reads books about classes he doesn’t have. He is incredibly observant and can use deductive reasoning to arrive at accurate conclusions, just like a detective. He knows how to defend himself, and he’s a masterful boxer. He speaks more than one language and knows about all about chemistry, even about obscure poisons. By day, he spends his hours perfecting his physical condition and mental faculties; by night, he fights crime.



But Sean Donovan, the protagonist of BOY WONDER, is definitely not Batman.

When he was nine years old, his father was beaten and his mother was murdered before his very eyes, and he’s spent the eight years since then searching for the man, supposedly a carjacker, who did this. He keeps to himself, immersing himself in his studies, drowning out a world with which he’s dissatisfied by listening to classical music, Bach in particular, a love instilled in him by his mother. It’s easy to see how angry he can become with the way things are, and it’s easy to see how he decides to work out this anger.


The steroids probably don’t help his temperament, but the drug cannot be blamed for the bottomless pit of rage that simmers within Sean. You see, unlike Batman, he has no problem with killing the bad guys. He murders two men in the first thirty minutes of this movie. Granted, the first time was probably an accident, but the second was very deliberate. When he encounters an abusive drunk homeless guy on a train, he slips on his brass knuckles and pounds the ever-loving shit out of the man. Even when the bum begs for mercy—nay, weeps for it—Sean continuously beats him. There is no doubt that he would have finished the job if cops hadn’t arrived.


But the most condemning moment is when he’s at a party with his one friend in the world, and a douche-bag makes a scene with his ex-girlfriend. There is no violence, just harsh words. The worst that happens is the asshole pulls the girl’s hair. Sean then steps in and uses his superior fighting abilities to whip the hell out of a stupid teenager. Even when it’s clear that he’s won, he picks up a fireplace poker and starts bending the asshole’s skull with it.

The tagline for this movie is, “Beware the hero.” No kidding.


This is what separates Sean from the typical superhero vigilante (except for maybe the Punisher, who takes it to an over-the-top place), and this is what makes this story interesting. One of the women Sean saved praises him and refuses to help the cops, who are trying to identify this vigilante. However, in order to save her, Sean had to ruthlessly murder a man. This is more than one of those how-far-is-too-far quandaries. This is more of a holy-fuck-how-did-it-come-to-this situation.


Another thing BOY WONDER gets right is its respect for the viewer’s ability to piece things together. Too often, Hollywood feels the need to spoon-feed its audience, making sure that we miss nothing they dish out. Movies over-explain things these days. BOY WONDER, like with some of Faulkner’s best work, lets us play the detective. It lets us piece everything together. And even when giving the viewer so much power, no one can possibly see the ending come. And not to give anything away, but the ending is one of the most incredibly satisfying wrap-ups to be filmed in a long time.


The acting is excellent, the best coming from Caleb Steinmeyer (Sean) and Bill Sage (Sean’s father). Their scenes together are extraordinary, especially their last. That’s not to say the rest of the cast is sub-par. There isn’t a stinker among ‘em. Zulay Henao, who plays the detective on Sean’s trail, turns in an awesome performance, especially when she’s acting opposite from her partner, played to fat slob/foot-in-the-mouth perfection by Daniel Stewart Sherman, and the police chief (Bill Baldwin). Every scene rings true except for one: just before Sean kills a drug dealer, we are shown a scene where a single mother needs her fix and is begging for a score. Everyone plays it kind of stiffly, and the mother tries too hard to seem frantic. Moreso, the actress seems far too clean to play her role.


There really is only one other complaint. This movie is clearly meant to be told from the perspective of Sean with a few interludes from Detective Ames. However, in two instances, we are shown the world through Mr. Donovan’s eyes. The first time is wholly unnecessary; he goes to visit Sean’s mother’s grave and talks to the stone about how Sean is doing. The only point of this is to tell us things we already know. The second time this happens is when we see Mr. Donovan shopping. He sees alcohol, feels temptation, and buys soda instead. This is to notify us that he is a recovering alcoholic (which is something we could have figured out later from the movie). Lastly, considering how things work out near the end, it’s important for us to NOT see anything from Mr. Donovan’s point of view.


These are minor complaints. The pros far outweigh the cons when it comes to BOY WONDER. Writer/director Michael Morrissey clearly knows what he is doing. It’s just a shame that he picked such a lousy title. The connotations are all wrong (and possibly misleading). It’s airy and noble and definitely not what this movie is about. Don’t let it fool you, though; there’s a lot of meat to this meal of a film. Just be prepared to think of BOY WONDER from now on every time you hear Bach . . . .


BOY WONDER
Written and directed by Michael Morrissey
Boy Wonder Productions
95 minutes

Friday, March 11, 2011

FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 6

I’m back! Yes, I am risen, you fools! You thought I was dead because I didn’t have a column for you last week. Well, you were half-right. I was dead DRUNK! I think I will take MODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINE’s advice and start naming my hangovers. But enough of this gibberish! On to the mailbag!



The Adonis asks: “Real simple, is Charlie Sheen WINNING?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You bet, just as he always has. I’ve heard a lot of his quotes of late, and I’m having difficulty in trying to find what people find crazy about him. He’s just a guy who knows what he likes, and he knows what it takes to achieve this. He lives life the way he wants to, and that scares ordinary people. The average person wants to live free of society’s expectations, but the Fear keeps him in check. Sheen doesn’t have the Fear. People say he was crazy for fucking up a good thing by torpedoing TWO AND A HALF MEN. Gentlemen, I say he was crazy for sticking with that show for so many years. Sure, it added to his coke-and-whores fund quite a bit, but can you imagine being a free spirit shackled by network censors for years? Soar like an eagle, Charlie, and fuck the trolls. Who needs ‘em? NEXT QUESTION!


Rico (a proud non-ginger) asks: “Remember that episode of DIFFERENT STROKES where Sam the ginger got kidnapped? Why would someone kidnap a ginger?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Ah, Rico. Welcome back. You are clearly unaware of the powers gingers possess. They can restore your youth, but you have to milk them properly, or their ginger juice turns into a poison. Also, they are good at fetching things. NEXT QUESTION!


Zip asks: “Let’s say I know this guy named Chris. Crap, I mean John. Yes, John. His roommate bugs him all the time to actually do things. All he wants to do is be by himself and lay around. Recently John’s roommate said he was moving out and he is worried that no one will support his laziness. John is now confused and lonely. What should he do?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Hm, this scenario sounds familiar. Zip, I won’t lie to you. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Cut this John character loose. Nature finds a way, and slugs always manage to survive. John will find someone else to look after him, because there’s a sucker born every minute. However, I recognize that cutting him loose might not be enough. You may need to encourage his suicide. No one likes a downer, and if he were to die, the world would brighten up just a little bit. Tell him to kill himself for the good of the world. Maybe leave a bottle of pills lying around. Or a gun with one bullet in it. Leave some razorblades on the edge of the tub. He’ll get the idea. NEXT FUCKING QUESTION!

Not Dave Damasssssssssk asks: “Does soaking a tampon in vodka and then putting it in your rectum really work? Should I try it? Have you tried it? Would you try it? I am pretty poor at the moment and could use a ‘getting drunk on a budget’ type tip or five. Thanks in advance!!!”


Future Booze Jesus says: YOU FOOL! If you’re putting booze in your asshole, you’re doing it wrong! There is no excuse for not being able to get drunk on a budget. If you think you’re stretching a dollar, think about this: homeless people every day manage to get enough cash for booze. Sometimes, they can get the good stuff. If they can do it, you can do it. I recommend Cold Brook Whiskey, which you can get for $9.99 a handle at Corner Cottage on North Avenue. It’s far from good, but you’ll get trashed just the same. If you’re going out to a bar or restaurant, fill a flask with some of this stuff. Never buy drinks in public. It’s too expensive, unless you’re at the Spring Inn in Elmhurst. Cheap shots and cheap beer. You can’t go wrong. If all else fails, skip a few meals. As your messiah, I advise you to remember that booze is more important than food. If you’re hard up enough, you can always find someone to give you a sandwich. No one wants to give you free whiskey.

I hope I have enriched your lives for yet another week. If you have any quandaries or comments, please post them in the comments below. Barring another horribly awesome drinking binge, I feel certain you’ll get your answers next Friday. Until then, celebrate the 17th year of Charles Bukowski’s passing by watching BARFLY and FACTOTUM. That should get you through next week.

[NOTE:  FBJ IS LYING TO YOU.  NEXT FRIDAY IS C2E2, AND I WILL BE TOO BUSY COVERING THAT FOR THE NAPALM ASSAULT TO POST A NEW FUTURE BOOZE JESUS.  STILL, FEEL FREE TO LEAVE QUESTIONS BELOW.]

Thursday, March 10, 2011

COOL SHIT 3-10-11

I swear, I will not talk about the new issue of THE WALKING DEAD. Enough is enough. You guys know I love the shit out of the book, so . . . .




CINDERELLA: FABLES ARE FOREVER #2: The last issue I could take or leave, but this one kicks it up a notch. Let’s face it, who would ever think that international Fable spy Cinderella’s arch-nemesis would be Oz’s own Dorothy Gale, pigtails and all? The sucky thing is, most of this story is told in flashbacks. This happens so often that I forgot what the actual story is. Still, this is Dorothy as you’ve never seen her before. And who would have thought she’d be a villain? Jesus fuckin’ Christ.



JENNIFER BLOOD #2: What can I say? I just can’t get enough of Garth Ennis’ ass-kicking housewife. This one starts out with just about the funniest parody of TITANIC ever (see above). As I read about this guy (Jennifer’s next uncle/target), I couldn’t help but think of Saddam Hopper from PREACHER: GOOD OL’ BOYS. We’re still in the dark as to why Jennifer is doing these things, and to complicate the whole scene, she now has to deal with a lecherous neighbor.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

NO COOL SHIT FOR TODAY

Sorry folks.  It wasn't like a lot of good books didn't come out yesterday, but I think you're sick of me going on and on and on about THE BOYS, INCOGNITO, LOCKE AND KEY, JONAH HEX, and a bunch of others.  Don't worry; next week, you can find my review of AXE COP #1 at the Napalm Assault!