GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #860: 100 ORGASMS

 Arnold Schwarzenegger's Pump Club is chockful of suggestions for living longer and keeping your brain intact. Getting enough sleep is something he talks about often. And lifting weights seems to solve a lot of physical problems, or at the least helps you live longer with a better life.

But he's got a doozy for us today. Today's "number you won't forget" is 100. As in, if you masturbate 100 times to orgasm in a year, you will likely live three years longer than you would have. Finally I can do something he recommends! Hell, I got this one down pretty good. 100 jerkoff sessions? In a year? I think I have that this year alone so far. If you want to read the study, check it out here.

There's more. Sex two times a week could lower your risk of heart disease. And then there's the big number. If you want to add possibly eight years to your life, you have a better shot at it if you masturbate SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES A YEAR. I don't know if I can, heh, pull that off. I don't know how many of us could diddle ourselves that often. Maybe Matthew McConaughey in The Wolf of Wall Street could do it. Because I'm a pervert I ran the numbers, and if he jerks off as much as he claims to in that movie, he does so.730 times a year. At least.

I'm not too thrilled to be adding years to my life. I've lived decades with older people. I know exactly what waits for me if I'm not lucky enough to die before it happens. There is no dignity in death, but there are degrees, and I'd rather have as much dignity as possible than leave behind friends and relatives who know exactly what it's like to change my diapers or to wash out my fat folds. But if you're the sort who wants to live as long as possible, perhaps I've brightened your day? Go forth and conquer.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #859: SOCIOPATHY

 Just because you're a sociopath doesn't mean you're a serial killer. There are tons of sociopaths that don't kill people. Usually they hold roles like "CEO" or "Congressman," so we're not likely to have them in our clutches.

So we're kind of stuck with the serial killer sociopaths. The good news is, we have a bunch of those. And I have an idea that might help society. You may think that the killers would not have any incentive to help, but they actually do.

Here's the idea. As part of sentencing, sociopathic serial killers have to participate in this program. Initially they won't want to, but when they realize they can get something they never expected to get ever again in return? They'll be on board. Because it's important to them to feel better, stronger, than the average bear they will want to take part in this. It will actually get their dicks hard. (Those who have dicks, at least.)

Every five years I think people should be exposed to a sociopath. When we have so many of them in reserve, it shouldn't be a problem. I think everyone should be in a room with a sociopath at rest, and then that sociopath should "turn it on." Just to show how easily it can be done, and how earnest they seem. How believable they are. And then they should "turn it off," just to show how scary something like that is.

I have had conversations with people I believe to be sociopaths, and it is very unsettling when they turn off their charm. It's easier than flicking a switch. It's like expelling a breath. And when they scare people with that? They'll get what they want.

And we'll get what we want: a constant reminder of how easy it is to lie and seem perfectly believable. Because a lot of sociopaths *do* wind up as CEOs, No one loves to take advantage of the public more than a CEO. Most people give others the benefit of the doubt, so it's easy to get hurt by sociopaths. It would be much better to have training and experience in dealing with one. As a whole I think society would improve in such a fashion.

Of course, I may be high. Possibly.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #858: MCDONALD'S

 

I shit you not, I spent five years of my life eating nothing but McDonald's for dinner every night. One year of junior high and all four of high school. In those days I was known for a few things: my desire to be a writer, having read The Stand at least 20 times and having McDonald's for dinner every night. I haven't done that every night since the summer between high school and college, when I dropped 40 lbs in three months. Not bad.

McDonald's is in the headlines these days for two things: trying to come up with an affordable meal deal and changing the way they make their burgers. The affordable meal deal thing is out of their hands. That will never come to pass again unless we crack down on greedflation.  But changing the way they make their burgers? That's very noticeable.

The problem is, they want to make gourmet burgers at a fast food joint. They really need to stop tilting at that windmill. No one goes to McDonald's for a good burger. It's impossible. People go there for a good *fast food* burger. And they go there because it's supposed to be cheap. But corporate greed is out of control. These cocksuckers saw the pandemic and saw it as an opportunity to fleece us blind. But that's my usual rant.

This is a different rant. Because I *have* noticed the difference in their burgers, and it's not a good difference. They have somehow made their burgers so bad that I'm no longer interested in eating them. It doesn't help that they've started to put the toppings (please note that they're called TOPpings) on the bottom of the burger patty. You know how I feel about that. But I ask for extra mustard and extra onions these days, and apparently that means no mustard and no onions. Not even on the goddam bottom. I actually have a bunch of pictures of this. I keep meaning to send it to McDonald's to explain to them the error of their ways. I'd post them here, but it's late and it would take too long. Also, I'm not sure what you'd get out of a bunch of pictures of McDonald's cheeseburgers lacking mustard and onions. I don't think anyone who reads me has that fetish. Unless I'm mistaken? DM me if you want 'em that bad.

The only saving grace they have right now is the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I don't ordinarily eat these things because they're expensive as fuck, but the burgers are decent, and they put the TOPpings on TOP of the burger patty. And they'll actually put extra onions on there. Extra mustard is asking too much.

So I'm thinking about ditching McDonald's after all these decades of patronage. Why would I keep going there if they're going to keep making their food worse? To give you an idea of how much I used to go there, I have the McDonald's app on my phone. I don't like apps. For some reason there's a layer of IP protection (sometimes called "weaponized IP") on corporations' apps but not their websites, and they're practically the same thing. You can use an ad blocker and stop surveillance pricing on a website. If you do that to an app, you've committed a felony and can literally go to prison for it. Jay Saurik calls it "felony contempt of business model." If I'm that much against apps but I have the McDonald's app? That should say something. I sacrificed a little of my morality in the name of McDonald's, and this is how they repay me?

It might be time to say goodbye to fuckin' McDonald's.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #857: THE NINTH AMENDMENT

 Everyone knows the first two amendments to the US Constitution, but after that things get a little dicey. History students might remember the third because it's so laughable to imagine needing it today. Hunter S. Thompson fans will have the fourth emblazoned on the backs of their eyelids. Anyone who watches detective shows will know the fifth. But beyond that? I don't know if the average American even knows what the rest of the Bill of Rights is.

If you're from outside the US, the Bill of Rights is the first ten amendments to the US Constitution. It is considered the most important part to US citizens because it's a list of their inalienable rights. Which makes me wonder why more people don't pay attention to that kind of thing. You'd think your rights would be the most important thing to you outside of life and family.

Do you know what the Ninth Amendment states? Here's a direct quote:

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

The Founding Fathers gave a shit about their citizens' rights. Well, if you were a white man who owned land, that is. But the letter of the amendment states that anyone who tries to "deny or disparage" any right not explicitly stated in the Constitution is a piece of shit. OK, maybe I went a little far, but you get the idea.

So why aren't we fighting, for example, drag shows being shut down by bigots with this? The Ninth Amendment is pretty clear that it's goddam unAmerican to deny and disparage drag queens of their right to be drag queens. Why are we letting states deny and disparage women who need abortions when we can tell the states to go fuck themselves, read the Ninth Amendment. End of fucking discussion.

The only strong objection I can think of is, "No, I don't wanna. Fuck anyone who isn't like me." The only other one I can think of is, "The Founding Fathers didn't mean that." Then why did they put it in the fucking Constitution? "Well, they were talking about other stuff." Oh? Were they talking about the same stuff you're talking about? Then again, Donald Trump once said that patriotic Americans seized all the airports during the American Revolution, and none of his followers even batted an eye. I guess we're not talking about ignorant people. We're talking about the worst kind of people on the planet: *willfully* ignorant people. Steve Bannon once said something to the effect that you should pump relentless bullshit into society in an effort to keep the people willfully ignorant. It seems to have worked pretty well.

So can we start fighting bullshit with something that's actually useful? Something like the Ninth Amendment? Or are we going to have dickheads who say that Joe Biden changed the Bill of Rights when no one was looking? I hope for the former, but I know all too well that the latter is not just an opinion but a way of life.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #856: A CONUNDRUM

 I was planning on writing a GF on felons not being able to vote and how unfair that was, but then Donald Trump became a felon recently, so I'm kind of spinning my wheels in the dirt on this one.

For some reason unbeknownst to me or anyone with a decent brain in their heads, it's illegal for felons to vote. Or, at least, that's what I thought. It turns out it's different from state to state. Some states don't abridge this right. Some states say you can't vote while you're behind bars. Others say you can vote again after a period of time. Others say you can never vote again.

Why? I kind of get it if you can't vote while in prison, as part of your punishment, but as soon as you're out you should be able to vote again no matter what. The argument could be made that felons could tank elections when it comes to, say, judges. That they would seek vengeance against those who sentenced them. To that, I say yes. A judge should fear that. A judge should make sure they're adjudicating properly.

Unless, of course, you want to demoralize a person for the rest of their lives. That seems to be the case here. A great American pastime is demoralizing prisoners and former prisoners. Once you're in the system, you're fucked. They want to take as much as possible away from you. Up to and including your pride. Especially your pride. They find that the most delicious.

I cast my line in the Google waters and saw that a lot of these laws were founded in the post-Civil War days, possibly as an additional barrier to former slaves voting. That makes a lot of sense considering the times. It also makes sense that the US would not want former Confederates voting in elections, too, and how many of them were up on felony charges?

Which is everything I wanted to say before Trump got found guilty of 34 felonies. My immediate thought was hooray! Followed by, I'll bet he gets a slap on the wrist. Followed by, fuck, I can't write that GF anymore. Anything to stop that motherfucker from voting would be good.

But then I had to stop myself. Think of all the people I'd be condemning just to get one piece of shit. So fuck it. Even Trump should be able to vote in the upcoming election. We need to end felon disenfranchisement ASAP even if it does mean letting a shit weasel off the hook.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #855: IS IT HAPPENING?

 When my podiatrist started talks with me about amputating one of my toes, he said, "I'd like to cut the tip of the toe off." The tip of the toe? That doesn't sound too bad. Sure, why not cut the tip of the toe off?

When he first removed the bandage I saw that he'd cut off more than half the toe. That is *not* just the tip.

When it came time for the second amputation, he said the same thing. When he removed the bandage this time I saw he'd been more truthful this time. If you just glanced at my bare right foot, you'd be able to tell the big toe is gone, but you'd think the others are still there. The partial amputation left a considerable part of that toe behind, but if you'd seen it before the amputation you'd realize that he cut off quite a bit of it. It was my mutant toe, swollen out of proportion to the other foot. All the same, it looks like the whole toe is still present until you get in there and see, oh yeah, something's missing.

The reason I bring it up is maybe about a half a year ago I saw this weird ridge growing out of the top of the half-toe. I get a lot of dead skin around that foot, so I use a pumice stone on it often. I tried to scrape the ridge away, and I did but it was hard as fuck. And now it's growing back.

I may be crazy (possibly), but I think it's my toenail trying to grow back. It's lower than where the nail was, but still. I haven't tried clipping it yet, but I imagine it would make the exact same sound as a regular toenail being clipped.

Maybe I should let it grow. See what it turns into. It would be nice if the toe itself grew back, but if I get an odd li'l sloth claw on my foot, that might be kinda cool. Putting a sock on would be difficult, but what the hell?

Is it happening? For real? I don't know. I doubt it, but I'll ask my podiatrist the next time I see him at the end of summer. I'll let you know what he says.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #854: THE WEST WING

 

I have this thing I do on social media. If I'm watching something, and someone says something funny or interesting, I'll quote it online. People get extra points if they figure out what it's from. Extra points for what? I don't know, exactly. Just for being cool, I guess?

I haven't done that in a while because I've been watching The West Wing. An unusual choice for me, I know, but I have weird tastes. What drew me to the show is that it's about a US presidency. What's it like to be on the inside of something like that? But the thing is, when someone says something funny or interesting on this show, there's usually a bunch of background that makes the statement funny. If I explained the quotes, then they wouldn't be quite so interesting. And a joke that needs to be explained is never funny.

It's a good show. A bit of a time capsule, though. I found it odd that they didn't do anything with 9/11 when it happened, but maybe it would have been too raw at the time. The thing I found the most off-putting, though, is that while it's good, its entirely disposable. Anything the show had to say about, say, power for example was said about specific fictional situations and really had nothing to do with real life applications. It didn't really give you something to think about, and it wasn't a very timeless show.

There is one time it asked a question I was interested in knowing the answer to. Leo McGarry is the chief of staff, and it turns out he's an alcoholic. An even bigger surprise is when the VP turns out to be an alcoholic, too. They go to meetings together. But is national security more important than the "anonymous" part of AA? As an alcoholic, my immediate response is to say no, it doesn't. But that's defensive, and I'm not even in AA. When I thought more about it, I think national security *is* more important. In the specific case mentioned on the show? Not so much. But in general, I think maybe the country would need to know if one of their leaders is an alcoholic.

One thing I can say for the show is that it constantly changed. It was not the same show it was when it started. One of the regulars was found guilty of, essentially, treason. Other regulars changed their roles, like the press secretary going on to be the chief of staff after McGarry has a heart attack that sidelines him. And then the actor who played McGarry had a real life heart attack and died. I know that wasn't part of the show's plan, especially since he was running as VP to Jimmy Smits in the final season, but it certainly changed the show.

One thing I wish they didn't do was consummate Josh and Donna's relationship. It is possible for a man to just be friends with a woman. In fact, it happens a lot more often than TV would have you believe. Everyone talks about how Josh and Donna have to be fucking, but for six of seven seasons they weren't. They were professional, and they had a platonic relationship. It's something that's not depicted enough on TV. I feel like this might have been a studio note, to have them kiss in a moment of celebration, and to have that kiss evolve into an actual romantic relationship. It felt forced, like all studio notes do.

I don't think watching the show was a waste of time. I enjoyed myself. I just don't think it's going to stick to the ribs like, say, Supernatural for example.

OK, now its time to watch something more my speed. I just started Guy Ritchie's The Gentlemen on Netflix last night. So far, so good.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #853: THE DAY AFTER

 

Ever see The Day After? I was too young when it originally aired, but I watched it for a social studies class in junior high. It's starkly terrifying, and it's definitely time well spent in a classroom. It asks the question, what if there was a nuclear war? For real? What would happen?

It's a little crazy. My favorite episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver features scenes from this movie.  You can watch it here. It's fucking hilarious. And horrifying.

I find art to be very important. I'm glad that I have a lot of friends who agree with me, but a lot of people would disagree with me. If they agreed, we wouldn't be cutting art from schools. Art is the reason I get out of bed every day. Art makes life bearable. If I did not have art, I don't know if I'd be alive right now. When I've had the worst of days, art soothes the horrors.

I also believe art can have a huge impact on people. If you don't believe that, look at Star Wars. A little movie from the 'Seventies fucking changed the world. Can you imagine a world without Star Wars? I know I can't.

More to the point, art can save lives. Art can even save the world. And The Day After is proof.

It was released in the 'Eighties, a time when I was certain we'd all perish in a nuclear holocaust. But we didn't, did we? It's entirely possible (heh) that the reason we didn't is because of this movie. Because of this art.

Nicholas Meyer directed the film. He also directed The Wrath of Khan! But he had this to say about his film many years later:

“The movie may have indeed helped prevent a nuclear war. It certainly changed one person’s mind on the subject, and that person just happened to be the President of the United States. Ronald Reagan wrote about watching the movie in his memoir. His biographer, who spent three years in the White House, said the only time he ever saw Reagan flip out was after seeing the movie. Ultimately, it sent Reagan into such a tailspin, he signed the Intermediate Missile Range Treaty, the only treaty that ever resulted in the physical dismantling of nuclear weapons.”

Holy shit. That sounds pretty idealistic, in fact. First I take the advertisers' side on something, and now I'm saying something nice about Ronald Reagan? Maybe my health issues have finally gotten the better of me.

Meyer's quote isn't the entire story, though. I'd like to think that Reagan signed the treaty to save the world. But the real reason he did so was fear. Damage control. If you want extra credit, you can check out this PDF from his Library. That tells the full story. It's kind of interesting to see White House insiders scampering to control how the public will perceive the film and even giving instructions on how to *not* talk about the movie. Also, did you see Reagan blaming the Soviet Union for dragging their feet?

I guess one way or the other The Day After saved the world, so that's good. I would have preferred it to have been because Reagan legitimately understood the errors of his ways and wanted to change them for the better, but damage control and perception got the job done. The government does a lot of shit to make sure you don't notice the man behind the curtain. Ordinarily I can't stand that kind of behavior, but this one time it managed to save the world. ONCE.

Once.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #852: IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE

It's entirely possible that Donald Trump is a good man and that I'm entirely wrong about him. It's entirely possible that Alex Jones is a rational man with well-thought theories. It's entirely possible that Elon Musk has our best interests at heart. It's entirely possible that CEOs deserve millions, if not billions, while their workers deserve less than minimum wage. It's entirely possible that Carrot Top is funny. It's entirely possible that the remake of Road House is superior to the original film. It's entirely possible that Jar-Jar is the best part of The Phantom Menace. It's entirely possible that Nick Cave is lying when he says he doesn't like Bukowski; in fact it's entirely possible that Bukowski is Cave's favorite poet. It's entirely possible that Rob Tannahill loves cops so much he took me aside privately to take me to task for my ACAB series.

But it's not fucking likely.

This is Goodnight, Fuckers by request! Earlier tonight Rob sent me his version of the Bugs Bunny NO meme you see above, and I said to him, weird, I was going to use the real version in my GF tonight. He said, again? I asked if I'd used it before, and he said I had. It was about how I loved to say no. And wouldn't you know it? That was exactly what I was going to write about tonight. I've written so many of these fucking things that it's easy to forget if I've done a topic before. I shit you not, I have written new versions of old GF columns only to realize before posting that I'd done it before. At least this time I didn't write the whole thing. Also, it would seem I'm pretty consistent. And I know I wrote about that one before. You know what I mean. At any rate Rob suggested I use the "it's entirely possible" motif, and here we are. If anyone else has any requests, let me know.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #851: CICADAS

 When I heard we were getting two hordes of cicadas this year, I wasn't too thrilled. I remembered from when I was a kid, and the little fuckers got everywhere. You couldn't enjoy a car ride with the windows down because you were likely to get peppered in the face with cicadas. You couldn't leave your windows open unless you wanted cicadas moving in with you. Hell, just going outside is temptation enough for them to get on you and follow you wherever you go before you notice them.

But so far I haven't seen many of them, and they've been out for a while. I can hear those loud fuckers in the trees. They are so loud I can hear them inside with the windows closed, and it doesn't sound like they're outside. The sound is relentless. So why haven't I seen many of them out and about?

Well, most days I *do* spend inside due to work, but I have Thursdays off. I go to forest preserves to read on my day off, and I've not seen many of them much to my surprise. I've seen more dead cicadas than living ones. This afternoon when I got home from work I saw one perched on a package on my stoop. The other day I saw one hanging out in the bushes by my car. But that's it, really. Although I do see them buzzing around through the window when I'm at work. I expected a lot more of them, though.

Is it possible that I'm misremembering because I was a much smaller person at the time? I've stood in rooms that struck me as huge when I was a kid, but as an adult they're not very impressive. Do I just have a child's memory of the little bastards getting everywhere?

I remember seeing my lawn covered in the buggers when I was a kid. Not so much now. Did there seem to be so many more of them way back when? Or maybe there's just not that many of them this time? Anyone else in the area have similar memories and experiences? Let me know.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #850: A MYSTERY SOLVED

 No, it's not the Mystery of John Bruni's Missing Blood. That would be a nice answer to have. This other mystery I solved a few months back, but I'm getting caught up now. No, I'm talking about a mystery that plagued me at the psych ward.

Do you remember when I was writing about my experiences there, and I was being admitted by an asshole who looked like Jerry from Parks and Rec?

He looked like Jerry so much I went on IMDB to get Jerry's real name.
Wasn't him.

At one point he's going over my list of medications, and I apparently missed one. He got pissed off at me and yelled for a while about me not disclosing my benzo use to him. Benzos? I never really got into those, so him insisting that I was on them baffled me. Him yelling at me made me angry, but you never EVER want to get angry at someone when you're a patient in the psych ward. Since I had plans to leave there as soon as humanly possible, I kept quiet.

He told me he'd looked at my blood, and I had benzos in my blood stream. Which should have been impossible. Unless someone slipped me something, I had no idea how the benzo got in my system.

Now I know how it happened. I was given a benzo at the regular hospital before they sent me to the psych ward. I didn't know at the time that Ativan was a benzo, and they gave it to me to prevent me from going into alcohol withdrawal.

It reminds me of the time I was in the ER at a shift change, and the new doctor came into my room to demand why I had morphine in my system. "Uh . . . because the last doctor gave it to me?"

That solves that mystery. And we're at 850, which means I'm caught up on GF! Back to my regularly scheduled madness on Monday!