GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #105: ABSOLUTE FUCKING DRIVEL

I returned to work today after having a week off. I didn't have any medical emergencies or anything like that, but I did have a lot of work around the house which I had to take care of. I didn't get it all done, but I was pretty busy.


What happens when I take time off from work? A lot, actually. Usually there are a ton of changes in procedure. Someone invariably sits at my desk and moves things around, not to mention fucks with the settings on my computer. And then I have to work through about 500 emails. Most of them are garbage, but there are a few that contain the procedural changes I mentioned before, and they're pretty important. It's just a matter of weeding them out.


Shocker of all shocks: there were no procedure changes. No one sat at my desk. Nothing was moved around. My settings were the very same as I left them. And I didn't even have 300 emails. Most of them were garbage. Hell, 99.999999% of them were trash.


BUT! When I came back, I saw there was a new handbook about something or other. I won't be specific because most of you don't know where I work (and I want to keep it that way, since that frees me up to talk about it without talking shit about the company, which would get me fired).


To be vague, it's about a new product we're offering. It's supposed to educate us about what we'll be doing in the future. Here's the problem: it's written by an asshole who wants to obfuscate EVERYTHING to the point where no one knows shit about anything, but it sounds important and valuable to customers.


This is one of the things that bothers me about the world today. At the risk of sounding like one of the assholes I regularly rage against (YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'MURICA?!), I have to talk about how complicated things are made by manipulation of language. I'm not just talking about euphemisms, I'm talking about hardcore word-crunching. The first page after the table of contents was supposed to simplify the product we're now offering.


Except . . . it did nothing of the sort. Two words in, and my mind blanked, which is exactly what the writer had in mind. I reread that first sentence three or four times, and I still couldn't get my head around it, again, as the writer intended.


The rest of the handbook outlines charts and graphs and maps and all sorts of things. The only thing I understood was that that product is housed in buildings resistant to natural disasters, up to and including earthquakes and tsunamis. This is the only valuable piece of information I gleaned from the handbook, and that's fine. Customers want to be reassured of such things.


BUT! This handbook is not meant for public consumption. It's meant for people who work at the company, and to write this nonsense is completely counterproductive. If you're trying to screw the idea of a product that people need into their head? That's fine. But I'm one of the people who has to support this bullshit. Save the double-talk for Average Joe, who would never, in a million years, make sense of this absolute fucking drivel. But for the people who are trying to make sure the bullshit works, at least on a surface level? Maybe try to help us understand.


Look. I'm a consumer. I don't need a smartphone. Maybe you do, and I don't fault you for it. It's not necessary for me. I'm happy with my CD collection, but if you need an iTunes account for all that stuff, that's your business. The rest of you are Kindle-crazy, and that's cool, since I have books available for Kindle, but I only read physical books unless I absolutely have to make an exception.


There are a lot of things that make life easier for some people, and for others, they just don't need it. Let's stop trying to convince people who don't need extra shit that they need it, okay?


I don't need cloud protection, for example. Ask Jennifer Lawrence how she feels about her cloud protection. But if that's your thing, that's your thing.


WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. We all have different needs. What's right for me isn't right for others and vice versa. Put it another way: would you equate yourself to someone like, say, Ted Bundy? Of course not (unless you're actually a serial killer, in which case I hope you stop reading my work immediately).


We need to stop manipulating through language. We need to state boldly what we mean by certain things. We need to stop confusing people just so they'll buy our products.


I just realized I spent a lot of time blithering about things I consider absolute fucking drivel, and I'm pretty sure that there are a few people who would actually consider this post to be absolute fucking drivel. But fuck it. Say what you mean for a change. Stop trying to appeal to everybody, because when you do that, you're a wishy-washy fuckface.


You can't appeal to everybody. You can only say what you mean, and other people who agree will gravitate toward you. Who knows? You might convince someone who thinks the opposite to join you. It's not likely, but remember: it's OK to have enemies. Or people who don't agree with you. Or people who think you're crazy.


All right, I need to go to bed now. I think I might need to get laid.