GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #103: I'M NOT PROUD OF LAST NIGHT

I blacked out last night. Usually, I'm OK with that, because it gives me the opportunity to piece together what happened the night before in a Faulkner-esque way. I love mysteries, and that's the perfect kind. But I'm 36 years old, and that's too old to be getting black-out drunk.


I did not expect to get that way. I'm trying to figure out how it happened, and I have a few thoughts. They're not excuses, because I should have known better, and I went ahead and was an asshole anyway. To anyone I might have hurt while blacked out, I apologize and hope you can forgive me. Usually, if I hurt someone, I have messages on my phone, but I don't have any now. I don't think I hurt anyone, but if I did, I'm sorry. (And if you didn't send me a message, and I hurt you, please let me know. It's the only way I can fix my ways. I can't repair myself if you don't let me know.)


Whenever I drink these days, I water my booze down. Last night, I didn't. I got excited, and I forgot to do this. I wound up drinking a pint of Bulleit and a half-pint of Wild Turkey 101, which is insane for someone who has suffered from pancreatitis. I remember my friends warning me, and while it didn't kill me, I should have heeded those warnings, and I didn't because I'm stupid. I also had gin last night, which I never have, so I can't say how badly it effects me. One of my last solid memories of last night was having gin shots because I lost a trivia game. There are a few flashes after that, but that's the last memory I'm certain about.


I'm thankful that the husband/wife team who threw the party let me sleep on their couch. Who knows what might have happened otherwise? The last concrete memory I have is of watching the next team of game show contestants taking their seats after me. The next thing I knew for sure, I woke up on the couch because my alarm went off (I at least had the foresight to set the alarm, or I would have missed my dentist appointment).


Honestly, blacking out drunk is a thing for younger men than I. It was fun in my twenties, but now? I'm almost forty. I can't be doing that shit anymore. Whenever I drink, I have a few while I'm at home, watching movies or TV shows and generally being mellow. When I'm out among other people, I get out of hand.


Here's what I'm thinking: I should stop drinking when I'm out with others. When I'm at home, it's never crazy. When I'm out and about, I have a few too many. At home, I only drink to get buzzed--and I always water and ice my drinks--but when I'm out with others, even when I know I have a place to sleep the booze away, I drink too much without watering or icing my drinks. I lose myself. I know I don't do terrible shit, because if I did, someone would have told me by now.


But if I did? Please, tell me. I don't want to be hurtful or a creep or any of that shit. I just want to be fun FOR OTHER PEOPLE. Not for me. I consider myself to be an entertainer, and I don't want to make people feel miserable.


From here on out? I don't think I'll be drinking outside of my home, if only to prevent myself from going off the rails. This upcoming week, I'm starting my new diet, which involves juicing. Spoiler alert: next year for Halloween, I want to be Cassidy from PREACHER. But he's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too skinny, and I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fat. If I can lose that weight? Cool. That's my goal. Drinking in public holds me back. I'll see what I can do.