It's not often that I have to read scripts to customers aloud for my current job. There is one script that I use often, and it's pretty easy except for one sentence, which I'll discuss in a moment. When I worked as a conference operator, on the other hand, I had to read scripts all the time. When I became a senior operator and then joined the Strike Team (the best of the best conference operators), we were expected to read some insanely long scripts and Safe Harbor statements for things like investor relations calls. The people who write those scripts know, intellectually, that someone is going to have to read them aloud live over a conference call, but they sure don't take that into consideration when writing the fuckin' things.
There is one line in that script I mentioned earlier that you are guaranteed to run out of breath while reading. There is no way you can read the whole thing without pausing. Luckily I don't have to read it for live investor relations calls--you know, the things major global corporations post on their websites for the world to listen to--so it doesn't bother me.
Let me give you an example of a Safe Harbor statement. I got this from Workday. Try to read it out loud and see where you get hooked up.
This website may contain forward-looking statements that involve risks, uncertainties, and assumptions. All statements other than statements of historical fact could be deemed forward-looking statements, including any projections of revenues, gross margins, earnings, or other financial items; statements regarding strategies or plans for future operations; statements concerning new features, enhancements, or upgrades to our existing applications or plans for future applications; statements relating to the expected performance or benefits of our offerings; statements about current or future economic conditions; and any other statements of expectation or belief. Because forward-looking statements relate to the future, they are subject to inherent uncertainties, risks, and changes in circumstances that are difficult to predict and many of which are outside of our control. Our actual results and financial condition may differ materially from those indicated in the forward-looking statements, and therefore you should not rely on any forward-looking statements that we may make.
The risks and uncertainties referred to above include, but are not limited to, our history of losses and expectations as to future losses, limited operating history, competition, management of growth, development of the market for enterprise cloud computing, market acceptance of our applications, breaches of our security measures, compliance with global laws and regulations, risks associated with maintaining a global business and global economic conditions, fluctuations in our operating results, interruptions or delays in the provision of our services, and risks associated with selling to larger enterprise customers. Further information on risks that could affect Workday’s operations and financial results are included in our annual report on Form 10-K and other filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission. These documents are available on the SEC Filings section of this website.
Workday assumes no obligation for, and does not intend to update, any forward-looking statements.
Any unreleased services, features, functionality, or enhancements referenced in a Workday document, roadmap, blog, website, press release, or public statement that are not currently available are subject to change at Workday’s discretion and may not be delivered as planned or at all. Customers who purchase our applications should make their purchase decisions based upon features and functions that are currently available.
So yeah, you can see why not every operator on the floor was trusted with these statements. It would be pretty nice if whoever threw this shit together knew how hard it would be to read to others.
Which brings me to the point of this. My books and stories are meant to be read out loud. I try my absolute best to write short sentences, or at the very least put in some natural pauses to catch one's breath. Chances are, I'm the one doing a live reading, so I want to make it easy on myself. I also know that a lot of people listen to books these days instead of reading them, so anyone who would care to read it to someone else should have the easiest time of doing so.
Because some of this shit gets nuts. When I was younger, a friend of mine and I used to write together, and just for shits and gigs, we'd see if we could out-do each other for writing the longest possible sentences we could. Sure, it's fun, but if you're trying to read that to someone, you're kinda fucked.
If you're looking for advice, and chances are you're not (but you'll get it anyway), try to write short, natural-sounding sentences. That sounds like an obvious thing, but after all the reading I've done, it clearly isn't. When editing, I read my work out loud and strike out anything that makes me pause, or anything my tongue might stumble on. Your readers will thank you.
The conference operator job had a few perks. I used to run calls for a Republican pollster you've probably seen on Fox News when your grandparents are watching it. His security lists were the thing of legends. I introduced Morgan Fairchild and Christine Hefner and the like, and one time I had to cut off Joe Pantoliano because he kept asking questions. Our company handled the Disney calls where they took over Star Wars and Marvel. WWE was a regular customer, and I've introduced Vince McMahon a couple of times. And then there was the time when Bill Cosby used us for dial out conferences. I remember when I got my first Cosby call, and we were trying to figure out if it was THE Bill Cosby. It turned out that it was, and we got a little excited over it. Knowing what we know now? Eh . . . That's a real collar-puller right there. Yeesh.
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| I will never not laugh at the House of Representin'. |
And then there was the time Terry Crews called in as President Camacho from Idiocracy. Sadly it wasn't my conference, but not a single one of the rest of us did our jobs when this one was live, especially not me.
In case you were wondering, I've been told that I have a very pleasant voice, which probably explains why I keep getting customer-facing jobs. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I should go into voice acting. I hear it's pretty lucrative. I keep telling myself I'll look into it. Maybe I'll actually do that some day.
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| You're still here? It's over. Go home. |
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