GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #13: I RESPECT SYLVESTER STALLONE

It's easy to talk shit about Sylvester Stallone because he's generally considered an action star. Sure enough, I'm not too big on action stars, but I side with Stallone more than others because . . . well . . . it's easy to forget one thing.


He's one of us. (This is assuming I'm speaking to mostly writers, because from what I can tell, those are the people who are reading these things, for the most part.) He's primarily a writer and secondly an actor. The dude's smart. I don't agree with a lot of what he says or does, but I get where he's coming from and why. Remember, he got his big break from WRITING a movie called ROCKY. He just happened to star in it, too.


I impulse-bought COBRA in a 7-Eleven tonight, as some of you might know. I don't do a lot of that kind of shopping, but tonight I couldn't help myself. Of all the classic Stallone movies, this was my favorite. Surprise! He wrote the screenplay. Just like he did for FIRST BLOOD (based on the awesome novel by David Morrell).


Check out his IMDB page, and you'll be surprised by how many of his movies he actually wrote (or adapted from a novel). The dude knows what he's doing. He might not write the greatest movies, but he writes a lot of fun shit.

COBRA is top of the line fun shit. I don't regret my purchase in the slightest. Which reminds me, I still haven't seen the 2nd and 3rd EXPENDABLES movies. I need to get on that, since he also wrote those.

COOL SHIT 1-3-13

G.I. JOE:  COBRA #20:  With all the attention I pay to THE TRANSFORMERS here, one would think I’d bring up G.I. JOE a bit more often.  The thing is, all three books have been lagging, ever since they did that stupid Hunt for Snake-Eyes thing.  Let’s face it, the only way that story arc could have worked out in an awesome, unexpected way was if Snake-Eyes really did turn out to be a traitor, and he died in a very obvious, very gruesome fashion.  Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get back to the grown-up G.I. JOE kind of action IDW has been getting us hooked on ever since they picked up the series.  Flint and Lady Jaye are in serious trouble as they infiltrate a Red Oktober installation on a mission that doesn’t even exist on paper.  Now that they’ve been captured by a crew of thugs and murderers who have no regard for human life, it falls on Joe HQ to sort things out behind the scenes.  The problem:  the only person who seems capable of doing that is Tomax Paolo, who has been a prisoner of the Joes for . . . how long now?  Coming soon, they’re going to discontinue the three series in favor of three new series.  Personally, I think we’d be better served with one series, considering how for the past couple of years, we’ve been treated to one long story broken up over three monthlies.  Might as well just consolidate the whole thing.  I can understand having one main JOE book and then having a SPECIAL MISSIONS book, just like back in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties, but come on.  I have faith in the storytelling, but do we really need three JOE books?  That's kind of like breaking up an adaptation of THE HOBBIT into three movies--oh, wait.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #34:  Now that we’ve been through several decades worth of story, we’ve finally reached the mid-point, according to writer Scott Snyder.  At first glance, it’s a sedate issue, but when you think more about it, it’s a harbinger of things to come, and is thus a very important issue.  With a bit of quick exposition, we learn the fate of Will Bunting, the first chronicler of Skinner Sweet’s life, and who has replaced Bunting at the VMS.  We also get to see Abilena Book in her old age as she denies having been granted visions by being bitten by Sweet years earlier.  We get to meet the new enemy of the series, and we get a massive slap to the face in regards to how things are going to go for the rest of the series.  Here’s the problem:  THEY’RE GOING ON HIATUS.  Snyder says the next story is written, but he also says that they’re taking some time off to recharge their batteries (and to give the artist more time to illustrate the series, as he doesn't want to take any more breaks).  I can only hope that Vertigo will actually still be around when they do come back.  Many of you are familiar with my ranting and raving in regards to HELLBLAZER’s cancellation, and how I believe that Vertigo will be gone by the end of 2013.  I love FABLES and all the related titles, but I’m pretty sure they could survive in the DCU and make everyone a lot of money there.  Right now, AMERICAN VAMPIRE is the only book that has me hoping that Vertigo will survive.  They’ve done a lot of great work over the years, including my two favorite books of all time (PREACHER and TRANSMETROPOLITAN, even though the latter did, indeed, start out at the short-lived Helix).  HELLBLAZER, the Lansdale JONAH HEX, THE SANDMAN, 100 BULLETS, I could go on forever about all the wonderful books they’ve done.  Maybe Shelly Bond can do great things now that she’s in charge (and I know she’s edited many good books that I’ve enjoyed over the years), but considering all the really, really, really, really, really bad decisions DC has made recently, Vertigo is a dog with rabies.  It’s only a matter of time before someone puts it down.  I hope AMERICAN VAMPIRE gets finished before that happens.

COOL SHIT 4-5-12

DICKS #3: I’m sorry, I said I was not going to talk about this book, but I won’t take up too much of your time. Seriously, just look at the cover. If you don’t find that it’s enough to get you to read this book, then fuck you. Just . . . fuck you.

G.I. JOE: INFESTATION 2 #2: I feel so grossed out that I like something in this stupid INFESTATION cross-over. But . . . I can’t help but like how they’re using characters like Serpentor and Crystal Ball. I’ve never really cared for Storm Shadow, but this issue makes some very good points in his favor. And honestly, GI Joe could have sat this one out. We don’t need them here. Cobra could have done this on their own. Snake Eyes seems to make an obligatory appearance. Anyway, it’s over now. I stand by my opinion of INFESTATION, but I will make an exception for this very small mini-series under its wing.

COBRA COMMAND: G.I. JOE #12: Here we have the aftermath of the most recent IDW series. Cobra Commander has exerted his absolute mastery over the heroin industry that he’s certain to indefinitely fund his terrorist organization. Hawk gets fired, and G.I. Joe gets their funding cut. Things are looking pretty grim for our heroes. Not only that, but everyone thinks Snake Eyes is dead. Us readers know the truth, but still. I can’t wait to see what these guys do with this title next.

THE BOYS #65: This. Is. It. I’ve been waiting for this moment since issue one. This is easily the greatest issue of this book EVER. Butcher vs. the Homelander, except . . . it’s nothing like I thought it would be. The Homelander isn’t quite what he seems, and neither is Black Noir, which is the true surprise. My mind was certainly blown by it, so I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Those of you who have read this issue know what I’m talking about. I am absolutely shocked that this is not the last issue. All of the conflicts have been resolved. Where the fuck can Ennis go from here? My absolute favorite part is when Butcher breaks down, apologizing to his dead wife for everything that he’s done . . . and even more so, for what he’s ABOUT TO DO. What the fuck is he talking about?! SIX ISSUES TO GO.

COOL SHIT 3-29-12

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #25: This issue marks the end of my absolute favorite AV story arc thus far. We find out why, exactly, Travis is hunting down Skinner Sweet, as he and Sweet battle for what seems like a final time. Travis really, really thinks of everything. The only thing that can hurt Sweet is gold, and Travis had taken the time to mix gold powder into his coffee that morning. You know, on the off chance that Sweet would try to drink his blood. There is really no lengths to which Travis won’t go to get this guy. We still don’t know how Sweet survived WWII, but we do know something interesting and new about him. Believe it or not, it’s enough to turn Travis away from him. I hope the next story arc doesn’t let me down. Still, I don’t know how Snyder will be able to top this.

COBRA COMMAND: COBRA #11: The next mini-series reaches its end, and it’s kind of cool. Nothing too big happens . . . except the one scene that earns this book a place in Cool Shit. The Baroness is confronted by Ronin, a super-secret Joe. The latter seems to have the upper hand on the former, but it looks like the Baroness bites a cyanide pill in order to kill herself to evade being interrogated. Unfortunately for Ronin, she is actually swallowing the cure for the gas the Baroness has just unleashed. Ronin is about to die . . . except she is clever. Since the Baroness had the only capsule, Ronin forces her mouth on the Baroness’s, swallowing as much of the cure as she can. How awesome is that? This is not your father’s GI Joe.

THE LAST ZOMBIE: NEVERLAND #2: Once again, we get an all right issue except for one thing: our heroes are cutting their way through a cornfield when they discover they’re surrounded by guns . . . being held by children. That’s right, a bunch of kids have been living together in the middle of nowhere, defending themselves with automatic rifles, by their own admission killing people to survive. Now, they’re aiming guns at Ian Scott and his fellow military friends. How awesome is that? In addition, my copy has a double cover. There was probably a mix up, which resulted in me getting two identical covers on my book. That’ll be worth a lot of money in the future, right? Like an error baseball card, right? Right?!

CROSSED: BADLANDS #2: Garth Ennis gets far uglier than David Lapham could ever imagine. Lapham relied on horrible physical images to get his CROSSED material across. Sure, there was a lot of psychological stuff to it, but Ennis brings it to a whole new level. The narrator is your basic Everyman, but in his very quiet kind of way, he proves himself to be a complete bastard. We learn that he’s got a history of running away from big groups, but now we know that he’s not afraid to abandon a pregnant woman in order to preserve his own life. He’s ballsy enough to suggest to the group that everyone leave her alone to give birth, in order to save themselves from an incoming group of Crossed. If she lives, she can rejoin them later. The rest of the group certainly have their reservations about this plan (as would any good person), but one must wonder: if it came down to a survival situation just like this, how many readers would do the right thing? How many more would join the protagonist in fleeing? It’s some really nasty material (and I’m still digging the shit out of the character who claims to be Prince Harry; he’s such a bastard that one character is convinced he’s not lying because anyone in the royal family must be a fuck). Sad to say, there’s only one more Ennis issue of this book. Good news: Jamie Delano is picking up after this.

Also, it's worth noting that the narrator mentions the last group he was a part of, which was ruled by a triumverate of alpha males who constantly argued.  One of them makes a racist comment to another, and the narrator stops and thinks, really?  We're still doing this?  And I couldn't help but think, of course.  The rules of society have been canceled.  People are not afraid to let their real selves out.  Let's face it, most people don't use the dreaded n-word because society tells them it's not the proper thing to do.  However, just because society says no doesn't mean that the racist urge disappears.  That's why there are so many closet racists in the suburbs, for example.  If the rules no longer apply, then they have no reason to keep their ugliness inside.  So yes, Ennis, they are doing this, even in the middle of the Crossed apocalypse.  Especially then.

COOL SHIT 1-19-12

COBRA COMMAND: COBRA #9: All in all, it’s kind of an ordinary issue, but near the middle, we get our first glimpse of how ruthless and evil the new Cobra Commander is. Holy shit, is he a bastard! He’s such a fuck that he scares Major Bludd, and that’s no small thing. I think things are going to get ugly really fast in this new phase of the G.I. Joe universe.

FABLES #113: Truth be told, I’ve been getting kind of bored with this book of late. Ever since they put the Adversary behind them, it’s been going down hill. There were a few cool moments, but for the most part, I think this one’s losing me a little. Yet this issue gives us something different and cool. Willingham gives us four stories of the good ol’ days, none of them related to events now . . . well, except the second one. The reason the Adversary couldn’t attack Fabletown in the past? We find out in this issue. It’s a very cool idea (with an appropriate mundane ending). The only lame one in the bunch, though, is the fourth story, which is pretty stupid. The two stories about the turtle are cool, but it’s that second tale that really kicks ass.

HELLBLAZER #287: All right, so John Constantine goes to hell. Again. So what? A good question. On this tour of hell, everyone’s favorite blue-collar mage sees a few familiar faces. Remember when Constantine used to be tormented by the ghosts of his dead friends? We get to see a return to those good ol’ days with this one. Best part: THE RETURN OF THE FIRST OF THE FALLEN! Yes! Unsurprisingly, Ennis’s run on this book is my favorite, and it’s good to see a few characters from back then again.

CROSSED: PSYCHOPATH #7: Welp, it looks like another Crossed story arc comes to an end. Harold finally reveals himself to his victim for what he really is, and things get really fucking ugly. David Lapham is a nasty bastard, and no one makes it out of this issue whole. And what Amanda does to save herself from Harold? It looks like it belongs in a SAW movie. No shit.



And if this bounty of Cool Shit isn’t enough to make me happy, check out this advertisement from the back of the latest CROSSED. To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

COOL SHIT 2-17-11

THE BOYS #51: I’m seriously starting to think I have to ban this title from Cool Shit. It’s too consistently good, and I know I’ve got to be boring you by blathering on like a fan boy. I can’t help it, though. Butcher’s a busy guy this issue, getting blackmail information on not one but two of his opponents. In Rayner’s case, it’s kind of sad, even though she completely deserves it. Monkey, on the other hand, continues to be one of the darkest comedy relief characters in the history of comics. The true star of this issue, however, is Ms. Bradley’s simulation. If the Boys ever went head to head against the Seven, only two people would certainly live, and a third is in question. If you think about it, you won’t be surprised by this result. Still, I wonder what circumstance they considered. By the way, a giant bulldog fucking an impotent athlete-cripple-fetishist is ALWAYS funny. Mr. Ennis, you once made the promise that this book would “out-PREACHER PREACHER.” Today, you delivered. Hats off to you, sir.

G.I. JOE/COBRA #13: As I predicted, this is indeed the last issue. Of all the Joe books, this was my favorite. It was a hard, ugly piece of work, but its chill always managed to find the core of my bones. I’ll miss it, but the ending is so perfect that to continue afterward would be nothing less than a betrayal of the story. Remember how on the cover of #12 they said that a major character would die in that issue? #13 rendered the teaser moot, considering how many major characters died in this one. (Shakespeare’s tragedies had more survivors, to give you an idea.) This one ends with a bang. Literally. Not to say that action took the center stage. As always with this title, philosophy underlies every thrown punch, every fired bullet. Every explosion triggered starts with an idea (and maybe a bit of Machiavellian maneuvering).

As a side note, IDW has a kinda-sorta sequel for this series planned. Now that Cobra Commander is dead (from last issue; I wouldn’t put THAT big of a spoiler in Cool Shit), there is a power vacuum, and everyone in Cobra wants to fill it. COBRA CIVIL WAR probably won’t be as awesome, but G.I. JOE/COBRA fills me with faith that it will at least be awe-inspiring.

COOL SHIT 1-20-11

G.I. JOE/COBRA #12: How is it possible that this book can get any better? The argument between Tomax and Xamot finally comes to a head, and Xamot’s madness turns out to be surprisingly clever. Meanwhile, Chuckles is still up to his neck in shit as Cobra trains him to become the perfect double agent. I think the next issue is going to be the last, because a major fuckin’ character dies in this one. Next month, Chuckles and Xamot are supposed to fight to the death. I’m excited, folks. This new era of G.I. JOE books gives me a raging hard-on. Get with the program and start reading this one!

LOCKE AND KEY: KEYS TO THE KINGDOM #4: You’re still not reading this book? What the fuck? Writer Joe Hill says that he’s at the halfway mark in this story, so you don’t have a lot of time left. And this is a really good jumping on point. We get a shitload of answers in this issue. What is “Zack Wells” really up to? Got an answer. How can he/she be stopped? Got an answer. Why have a character like Rufus hanging around in the distant background? Got an answer, and it’s a doozy. If G.I. JOE/COBRA gives me a raging hard-on, this book gives me wet dreams. There are only 15 issues remaining. Again, GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

THE BOYS #50: Like I’m not going to talk about the fiftieth issue of THE BOYS. Please. It seems like it was only yesterday that this book was canceled by Wildstorm. I remember being pissed off at the time, but now that Wildstorm has been shut down, I’m grateful. In this issue, we find out that Butcher was inadvertently responsible for Mallory’s granddaughters being murdered by the supes, and as you can guess, it’s turned into a matter of contention between the two. We also find out how the Boys and the supes come to an uneasy stand-still, and also how the Boys lost their funding in the first place. More importantly, we finally find out why Maeve drinks so much, and considering the answer, no one could ever blame her. Oh, and we finally find out what happened to Lamplighter. All I can say is, I approve. Considering the animosity between Butcher and Mallory, I’m starting to wonder if the former murdered the latter for his own political reasons. The rest of the Boys are unaware, I’m sure, but I think that’s the direction Ennis is going in. Do I even have to ask you to get with the program? This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms.


I wish the publishers of these books would read Cool Shit. I would give anything to have my rave review, “This book gives me wet dreams with multiple orgasms,” on the cover of the next issue . . . .