Wednesday, August 3, 2016


Many of you know a lot about the horrid bathroom at my previous job. It was bad enough as it was before the company was bought out, and we were in our own building. But when we moved to the office building and had to share with another company? Things just got worse. The Booger Man kept leaving his nostril-minings all over the place, including on the toilet paper roll. The people who literally shit on the floor. The two times I actually saw blood on the walls. The condoms and the piss-sprayed toilet seats and the time a dude puked into the urinal.

As horrifying as all of that sounds I was told that the women's bathroom was even worse. Someone once described someone taking a shit in there as "someone firing a machine gun into a mud puddle."

At my new job I have so far been impressed by the bathroom. I haven't even seen a piss-sprayed seat, not so much as a drop, and that's pretty common everywhere.

And then it happened. Today a coworker told the rest of us about how someone had just shit on the floor in the third stall of the men's room. People were horrified, and I couldn't help but think, "Isn't that adorable?" It was like they were losing their innocence.

I told them some of the horror stories about the bathroom at my old job, and one of my coworkers said, "What the fuck is wrong with [company name redacted]?"

What, indeed?

The story made the rounds pretty quickly. I'm sure they're planning a manhunt already. Another coworker mentioned how there was a camera on the bathroom door. Since it was probably a recent incident, maybe all we have to do is pull the recording. The guy who discovered it said that when he entered he saw a coworker washing his hands in a hurry and felt the need to tell him that it was OK if he wanted to wash the soap off of his hands. It was probably him, right?

The monsters are due on Maple Street.

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