Saturday, August 27, 2016


Yeah. I love Roy Orbison. "Crying" is fantastic. You should all listen to it.

My mom and dad were never married. I am a literal bastard. I love mom despite her weaknesses. I love dad because of his weaknesses. I love my second step-mom Ann (she's a pervert like me, which I didn't get when I was a child but love as an adult). But I don't love my stepdad (the asshole my mom married before my half-bros were born).

My dad was laid back. He accepted things. My step-father was a dick. He was a biologist, which should have made him one of the good guys. Nope. He was a piece of shit. He beat the living daylights out of me when I was too young to fight back. He physically abused me for a good portion of my childhood. I used to go to sleep every night trying to think of ways I could murder him so he wouldn't beat me or my mom or my brothers (his sons) to death.

My biological dad would have been content to let me grow as I am. My step-father, on the other hand, wanted me to grow with a healthy fear of him at my fore front. He beat me mercilessly because he hated seeing me cry. If I shed a tear he would ruthlessly beat me until I had no more tears in me.

No matter how badly friends hurt me I never cried because I was trained not to. I was a cold bastard in my youth. A girlfriend fucked me over? Fuck her. She couldn't hurt me because the King Bastard already hurt me worse.

Sometimes I thought that was a blessing. I couldn't cry for a lot of my adulthood because of this lunatic. But he died. I feel bad for my brothers because he was their dad, and I never want to hurt anyone like that. But I was happy he died. That meant he couldn't hurt anyone else.

Brother Alex told me that my step-father died horribly. His organs were so loaded down with booze that the doctors tried to save him, but like the devil he came back and tried to strangle those Samaritans who tried to save him. Anyone who tried to kill someone trying to save them should fuck themselves,

Never mind that. For a lot of my life I couldn't cry because it was beaten out of me. Within the last five years I relearned. I could not have predicted it, but it feels really fucking good. It's cathartic. It gets the misery out of my system.

I love crying. It makes me feel terrible because I was beaten at a young age that crying makes you a pussy. Being a pussy gets you beaten up a lot. My step-father called me a fag because I cried as a child. I believed him for decades,

I'm glad he was wrong. It feels good to unleash my grief. Crying is horrible, but it feels really fucking good afterwards. We should cry more often.

Does anyone I know need to cry? If so, I'm here. Let me know how I can help. I love you all. If I can help, I'm here. Just ask.

Sometimes I fell like I'm all alone. A void surrounds me. I have great friends, but often I feel like I'm alone. When I was a kid I felt like an alien because no one else felt like I did. As an adult I know that others feel the same.I just wish we could all get along despite our differences.

I love you all. Even the assholes who disagree with me. Because we are all in this together.

There is no Heaven. There is no Hell. There is only here and now. We make that happen. Let's make it as nice as we can for as long as we're here. No one else will.

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