I've generally been OK with the sun until I got my new job. A few times I've been angry with that ball of flame in the sky, usually because I was hungover at the time. But this is fucking IT.
I walk into the sun every morning on my commute to work. I walk into the sun every evening on my commute home. It renders me into a sweaty pile of flesh both ways, and I'm sick and tired of feeling that way. It's dehumanizing. It's disgusting. It's a crime against humanity.
We need to ban the sun.
Hey, the sun causes cancer. Look it up. I'm sure you'll see that I'm telling the truth. Our government is so dead set against anything that causes cancer (except for cigarettes, of course; can't stop big business in the US) that it bans a lot of stuff. But it never bans the sun. Why?
My grandfather got a healthy dose of cancer from the sun. Luckily he survived that. No thanks to the government, that is.
The US is content with the War on Drugs, but that's insignificant compared to the dangers of the sun. Smoking weed can actually be helpful. Standing under the sun, on the other hand, could give you CANCER.
We need to stop this madness. Trump, forget about the wall between the US and Mexico. We need a bigger wall. We need a wall around the earth to protect us from the cancer-giving sun.
While we're at it, the ocean is scary as fuck. It's full of fish poop and dangerous creatures. Let's ban the oceans, too. Earth is a dangerous place. Let's get some government regulations on that shit before it kills us all.
And it will kill us. Do you want your children to die in the ocean? NO. Do you want your kids to die because of the sun? NO.
Make America safe again. Ban the sun and the oceans.
This has been a public service announcement from the People of America Dedicated to the Election of John Bruni and Danger_Slater 2016. #VoteBruniDanger2016