GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #354: BEING AN OPINIONS COLUMNIST

 

I remember when I was in high school I discovered the badass motherfucker you see in the image above. His name was Mike Royko, and he was an opinions columnist for the Chicago Tribune. I delighted in his columns, and I had even more fun when I found out that there were collections in book form that I could dive into. He'd worked in Chicago for decades, and I had all that work to look over.

No big surprise, but he inspired me to want to be an opinions columnist. As you can imagine, I was in seventh heaven upon discovering Transmetropolitan in my college years.

So I went to college, and I wound up writing for the paper. I wanted to be the opinions guy and the movie reviewer, but I knew they wouldn't let me do both. I went for the movie reviewer job and did not get it. I had a backup plan, though. I became the first comic book reviewer (and probably the only one) for the Leader. I don't imagine anyone read my work outside of the editors. The professor in charge certainly didn't because I cursed in those reviews, and he never busted me. He caught my partner and I when we cursed in our regular feature, Primitive Underbelly, and made it clear that language would be unacceptable. I thought about still cursing in the reviews but decided not to risk it.

Life moved on, and I never got to be an opinions columnist. Except . . . I did. Not for money. Just for your amusement. Because what else is Goodnight, Fuckers than an opinions column?

One of the things I never expected was running out of ideas for these things. I'm in good shape now with a few pages of topics, but there were times I had nothing. What did Royko do in his day? I also didn't expect to write half of a column and suddenly realize that I'd done this one before. That's happened maybe five times so far. And no, I wasn't drunk for all of those. Just, like, four. I wonder if Royko ever caught himself doing that.

Sometimes I think about doing a newsletter. I enjoy reading them, so why not do one myself? But no, it wouldn't feel the same. I wouldn't get a Royko boner like I do when writing Goodnight, Fuckers. So that's what you're getting. Ah well. Goodnight, fuckers.

PS: I also got to be a movie reviewer for a few years. RIP Forced Viewing. That was a fun time.

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #14: REVIEW OF TRANSMETROPOLITAN #27

[I was fairly certain no one read my comic book reviews, and this one convinced me of it. All this talk about backup vaginal orifices to joints in a penis flew right by everyone. This review is actually kind of good. I stand by it today. I also find it funny that I considered Warren Ellis as “Hellblazer’s Warrn Ellis.” From the Elmhurst College Leader, October  2, 1999.]

Transmetropolitan, the world’s dirtiest, most viciously crass comic, has once more stepped over the boundaries of good taste. That’s not a bad thing—in fact, while the humor is pretty low, it’s also very intelligently written by Hellblazer’s Warren Ellis.

Journalist Spider Jerusalem is the most unique hero in the history of comics. There are no superpowers here, just an unwavering dedication to the Truth. He doesn’t care about journalistic ethics. As he says, “The truth . . . that’s all I need.”

The latest installment of Transmet introduces an undoubtedly illegal form of journalism called monstering, or “the art of ambushing people . . . with questions . . . driving them to their graves.” Spider and his filthy assistants decide to try this out on a senator who has been accused of funding porno movies under the table, hounding him with typical Spider questions like, “Do you have a joint in your penis, Mr. Sweeney?” At one point, he even demands Senator Sweeney to “show us your penis!”

Spider despises traditional forms of journalism, just as Dr. Hunter S. Thompson did when he invented Gonzo Journalism. The news shouldn’t be written with a cold, almost robotic voice. Spider says that journalism is truly “caring about the world you report on.” There should be emotion in journalism, and even bias. Journalists should be pissed off and should make that clear to his/her audience. Of course, Spider brings this even further, and he starts babbling about “possessed journalists with fiery eyes and steaming genitalia.”

The world of Trasmet is the future, and thus Spider has a legion of toys to get to the Truth with. At one point, a hologram of Spider’s head appears in Sweeney’s toilet and starts asking questions when Sweeney is trying to take care of business. At another point, Spider is able to get information from a small floating globe that is apparently a bug that overhears Sweeney talking to his transient (people who alter their genes to look like aliens) daughter about how she “grew a backup vaginal orifice.”

This futuristic world is brought to reality with the superb artwork of Darick Robertson. Someone once described it as “brain candy,” and it’s true. Each time you look at the artwork, there’s something new to find, whether it be crazy soda products like Ebola Cola, or references to Preacher, a comic written by Ellis’s friend, Garth Ennis. No one can draw as demented as Robertson.

Yes. Transmet is extremely offensive, but it’s also extremely entertaining. One way or the other, it’s definitely something that can’t be forgotten—Spider Jerusalem constantly makes sure of that.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #88: COMIC BOOK READER

In the wake of the new season of COMIC BOOK MEN, I feel the need to talk about my love of comic books. Since I started reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER in 1998, I've been considered a comic book reader. To be fair, I did this long before. I loved comics when I was a kid, and I didn't stop until Marvel's incarnation of THE TRANSFORMERS ended, much to my chagrin. Years later, CJ, a friend I'd met during my senior year of high school, got me back into comics with EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER and HITMAN. Three years later, I was writing reviews for the LEADER as the first comic book reviewer EVER on staff. My time there won me an award from the Chicago TRIBUNE. (I got two, actually, but I only got one for my comic book work.)


Still, whenever I mention my love of comic books, people assume I'm talking about superheroes. This pisses me off a great deal, because not all comic books are about superheroes. In fact, I don't like superheroes. I know, that's blasphemy in this age of Marvel movies. Let me make myself clear: I love the superhero movies, but I can't stand the superhero comic books. I'm not condemning those books. It's a matter of taste. I don't like them, but I don't hate people who like them. That's your business, not mine.


I don't really read superhero comic books. The only time I do is when a writer I respect is writing them. There are a handful of great superhero stories, I think. One of them is obviously WATCHMEN. Another is THE BOYS, which is one of the greatest comic books ever written. I loved Mark Millar's take on OLD MAN LOGAN. The same goes for David Morrell's take on SAVAGE WOLVERINE. And then there's books like Brian Azzarello's WONDER WOMAN and so on and so forth.


But ultimately, those aren't the books I'm interested in, aside from THE BOYS. I think superheroes are stupid. I find it's a fucking shame that the average person isn't aware that comic books are more than some person wearing skintight underwear facing off against criminal/evil alien villains. I want PREACHER. I want TRANSMETROPOLITAN. I want 100 BULLETS. And yes, I want LOCKE & KEY. How about AMERICAN VAMPIRE? Or DICKS? Or CROSSED? Or THE FADE OUT? Or CRIMINAL or FATALE? FBP? SAGA? SEX CRIMINALS? STRAY BULLETS? TREES? How about DORK and MILK AND CHEESE? I could go on forever, but most average people, whenever they think of comic books, will think about Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Spider-Man and whoever else wears spandex tight enough to show the shape of their genitals.


I love Tommy Monaghan, one of the few guys in the old DCU who took the piss out of superheroes on a regular basis. He puked on Batman and showed how Green Lantern was a cheapskate. Or how about THE BOYS, who policed the degenerate supes?


But . . . the loyal fans of HITMAN remember very well that there was one superhero who had earned Tommy's trust: Superman. And just like that, I can appreciate certain things about the comic book superheroes.


Whenever someone brings something cool into the Stash on COMIC BOOK MEN, I can truly appreciate it. I'm wowed. I'm very interested to see how these things turn out, because they're historical documents.


But let's be honest. Superheroes should have died out long ago. Marvel manages to keep them alive, for the most part. I don't like a lot of their methods, but they have their hearts in the right place. DC, on the other hand, has driven their titles into the ground. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. If their BATMAN/SUPERMAN movie succeeds, it will only be because people were curious enough to see it. Not because it's great, though.


Some superheroes are immortal, and that's fine. Those who aren't should have been released a while ago. The Big Two work constantly to reinvent these characters, but in all honesty, I think they should just be released. If they continue with new people behind the mask, then it's the same ol' bullshit as ever. If there's a reboot, no matter how much you change it, it's still the same ol' bullshit as ever. If you let these characters die? They can serve a narrative purpose.


Reboots only serve as commercial agents. Actually killing characters off would serve stories very well. Not like I give a shit. Just give me my non-superhero books, and I'll be satisfied.


But what the fuck do I care? You guys fuck around with your superhero comics, and I'll stay over here with the other stuff. Goodnight, fuckers.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #18: VERTIGO

It always makes me happy when I see Vertigo doing one of their preview books. These days, they're for free, although in the past they've charged, and I've willingly paid. Once upon a time, Vertigo was my favorite comics company, since they put out the best books I'd ever read (PREACHER, TRANSMETROPOLITAN, 100 BULLETS, hell, you know me and what I like). (And yes, I know that TRANSMET started as a Helix book. Quit nitpicking.) I'm more of an Avatar Press kind of guy now. (Big surprise, considering they've worked with Vertigo greats like Ennis, Ellis, Delano, etc.)


This new preview is nice, in that it reminds everyone what Vertigo is doing right now with great books like AMERICAN VAMPIRE, FBP and so on, but it's also giving us a peek of what's to come. Sad to say, their new fare doesn't look very interesting to me. BODIES has some great creative-types attached to it, but the story doesn't look very appealing. I love Peter Milligan's work, but THE NAMES looks like heavy-handed crap. THE KITCHEN could be interesting. It's a hard-crime look at the 'Seventies in Hell's Kitchen, but told from the female perspective. What they sample, though, doesn't look that great. I'll probably give it a shot.


The one that looks most promising is SUICIDERS. I'm a fan of Lee Bermejo's artwork, but this will be the first time I'll get a taste of his writing skills. I love the cover, and the sample is just over the top awesome. Of the new batch, I look forward to this one the most. I'm glad to see it's a monthly, although I have no idea how Bermejo will get that much work done. Have you seen his art? It's insanely intricate. Writing and illustrating this book should put him through the ringer, but I love what I'm seeing so far.

C2E2 2013: THE WILDSTORM PRESENTS CHRONICLES #1: MEETING AMANDA CONNER

I’ll be honest, I’ve not come across much of Amanda Conner’s work.  The extent that I’m familiar with is her work on BEFORE WATCHMEN:  SILK SPECTRE and a small bit that she did for WILDSTORM PRESENTS.  The main reason I wanted to meet her was because I was trying to get as many BEFORE WATCHMEN people as I could.

Her line was one of the longer ones I waited in at this convention, and by the time I got to meet her, I could see why.  She’s done some pretty good work with Supergirl and a few other superhero titles.  Not my thing, but I can definitely recognize amazing artwork.

She was incredibly nice and engaging.  She was glad to see my issues of SILK SPECTRE, and as she signed these, I broke out one of my big guns:  a collection called WILDSTORM PRESENTS.  I’d initially bought it because I saw Brian Azzarello’s name on it, but when I found out who else was in it, I was impressed.  Georges Jeanty, Paul Jenkins, Ed Brubaker, Judd Winick, Doug Mahnke, Richard Corben, Jill Thompson, and shocker of all shockers, Patton fuckin’ Oswalt.

Since many of them were going to be at the convention, I thought I’d get as many signatures as I could.

When I set it down in front of Conner, she looked puzzled.  “I’m not in here.”  I reassured her she was, indeed, in there, and pointed out which story.  Then, recognition blazed on her face.  “Oh yeah, I remember this!  I’ve never seen it, though.  Very cool.”  And she signed it for me.

Much to my surprise, this scenario would recur several more times during the convention.

She marveled at it for a while, flipping through the pages, excited to see her some of her work that she hadn’t seen since she put the finishing touches on it and sending it to Wildstorm.  She asked me how long I’d had it, and I said a couple of years.  She said she was wondering if it had just been printed.

I moved on then, because she was sitting next to Jimmy Palmiotti, and I hoped to get him to sign a few things.  Then, as I waited at the back of the incredibly short line, unpacking my things for Palmiotti, I noticed something.  I’d brought TRANSMETROPOLITAN:  I HATE IT HERE because I’d been working on getting all the artists in there to sign it.  I was hoping to get Palmiotti and Tony Harris to join the ranks of Rodney Ramos, John McCrea, Warren Ellis, Eduardo Risso, Tim Bradstreet, Dave Johnson, David Mack, and Cliff Chiang in signing this thing.

In that moment I realized that AMANDA CONNER IS IN THIS BOOK, TOO.  Fuck.  I turned around and saw that Conner’s line was just as long as it had been when I’d first gotten into it.  I just resigned myself to getting back in it when I’d finished up with Palmiotti.

Suffering through that line a second time was a drag, but fuck me for being so stupid.  When I got up to her table again, she laughed, surprised to see me again.  I apologized for being a fool and presented her with her page from the book.  Chuckling, she signed it and said, “Why am I always drawing people on the toilet?”

Why, indeed?

COOL SHIT 1-3-13

G.I. JOE:  COBRA #20:  With all the attention I pay to THE TRANSFORMERS here, one would think I’d bring up G.I. JOE a bit more often.  The thing is, all three books have been lagging, ever since they did that stupid Hunt for Snake-Eyes thing.  Let’s face it, the only way that story arc could have worked out in an awesome, unexpected way was if Snake-Eyes really did turn out to be a traitor, and he died in a very obvious, very gruesome fashion.  Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get back to the grown-up G.I. JOE kind of action IDW has been getting us hooked on ever since they picked up the series.  Flint and Lady Jaye are in serious trouble as they infiltrate a Red Oktober installation on a mission that doesn’t even exist on paper.  Now that they’ve been captured by a crew of thugs and murderers who have no regard for human life, it falls on Joe HQ to sort things out behind the scenes.  The problem:  the only person who seems capable of doing that is Tomax Paolo, who has been a prisoner of the Joes for . . . how long now?  Coming soon, they’re going to discontinue the three series in favor of three new series.  Personally, I think we’d be better served with one series, considering how for the past couple of years, we’ve been treated to one long story broken up over three monthlies.  Might as well just consolidate the whole thing.  I can understand having one main JOE book and then having a SPECIAL MISSIONS book, just like back in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties, but come on.  I have faith in the storytelling, but do we really need three JOE books?  That's kind of like breaking up an adaptation of THE HOBBIT into three movies--oh, wait.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #34:  Now that we’ve been through several decades worth of story, we’ve finally reached the mid-point, according to writer Scott Snyder.  At first glance, it’s a sedate issue, but when you think more about it, it’s a harbinger of things to come, and is thus a very important issue.  With a bit of quick exposition, we learn the fate of Will Bunting, the first chronicler of Skinner Sweet’s life, and who has replaced Bunting at the VMS.  We also get to see Abilena Book in her old age as she denies having been granted visions by being bitten by Sweet years earlier.  We get to meet the new enemy of the series, and we get a massive slap to the face in regards to how things are going to go for the rest of the series.  Here’s the problem:  THEY’RE GOING ON HIATUS.  Snyder says the next story is written, but he also says that they’re taking some time off to recharge their batteries (and to give the artist more time to illustrate the series, as he doesn't want to take any more breaks).  I can only hope that Vertigo will actually still be around when they do come back.  Many of you are familiar with my ranting and raving in regards to HELLBLAZER’s cancellation, and how I believe that Vertigo will be gone by the end of 2013.  I love FABLES and all the related titles, but I’m pretty sure they could survive in the DCU and make everyone a lot of money there.  Right now, AMERICAN VAMPIRE is the only book that has me hoping that Vertigo will survive.  They’ve done a lot of great work over the years, including my two favorite books of all time (PREACHER and TRANSMETROPOLITAN, even though the latter did, indeed, start out at the short-lived Helix).  HELLBLAZER, the Lansdale JONAH HEX, THE SANDMAN, 100 BULLETS, I could go on forever about all the wonderful books they’ve done.  Maybe Shelly Bond can do great things now that she’s in charge (and I know she’s edited many good books that I’ve enjoyed over the years), but considering all the really, really, really, really, really bad decisions DC has made recently, Vertigo is a dog with rabies.  It’s only a matter of time before someone puts it down.  I hope AMERICAN VAMPIRE gets finished before that happens.