GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #199: GOOD WORK, CHICAGO

Short one tonight, folks. Sorry.


I'd heard a lot of horror stories from friends and even family members about a Chicago commute. When I first started doing this thing I figured it would be par for the course. Now that I'm a month and a week in, I have to say: GOOD WORK CHICAGO.


There are a lot of attractive people on my morning commute (men and women and everyone else), and I'm proud to say that I haven't seen a single incident of catcalling. People told me this kind of thing was out of control. Maybe in other cities, but not here. I have yet to see it, and that makes me proud of Chicago.


I don't say that often. I live in a place where it's pretty common to get shot. I hate the city. Every day I slog my way to the office is a day I despise. I only do it because I like my job, and it pays pretty well. I'm a suburbs kind of guy. I don't walk fast, and I don't lose myself in my phone. I walk slow, and if I pass someone I say hi. The city is everything I stand against.


And yet today I'm proud of you, Chicago. I hope your choice of sports team wins something important. (And you don't decide to riot in the streets if that happens. Just take it decently and not roll over anyone's car. Please and thank you.)


Of course I probably just jinxed myself, so . . . goodnight.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #198: LET'S BAN THE SUN

I've generally been OK with the sun until I got my new job. A few times I've been angry with that ball of flame in the sky, usually because I was hungover at the time. But this is fucking IT.


I walk into the sun every morning on my commute to work. I walk into the sun every evening on my commute home. It renders me into a sweaty pile of flesh both ways, and I'm sick and tired of feeling that way. It's dehumanizing. It's disgusting. It's a crime against humanity.


We need to ban the sun.


Hey, the sun causes cancer. Look it up. I'm sure you'll see that I'm telling the truth. Our government is so dead set against anything that causes cancer (except for cigarettes, of course; can't stop big business in the US) that it bans a lot of stuff. But it never bans the sun. Why?


My grandfather got a healthy dose of cancer from the sun. Luckily he survived that. No thanks to the government, that is.


The US is content with the War on Drugs, but that's insignificant compared to the dangers of the sun. Smoking weed can actually be helpful. Standing under the sun, on the other hand, could give you CANCER.


We need to stop this madness. Trump, forget about the wall between the US and Mexico. We need a bigger wall. We need a wall around the earth to protect us from the cancer-giving sun.


While we're at it, the ocean is scary as fuck. It's full of fish poop and dangerous creatures. Let's ban the oceans, too. Earth is a dangerous place. Let's get some government regulations on that shit before it kills us all.


And it will kill us. Do you want your children to die in the ocean? NO. Do you want your kids to die because of the sun? NO.


Make America safe again. Ban the sun and the oceans.


This has been a public service announcement from the People of America Dedicated to the Election of John Bruni and Danger_Slater 2016. #VoteBruniDanger2016

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #197: ROY ORBISON'S CRYING

Yeah. I love Roy Orbison. "Crying" is fantastic. You should all listen to it.


My mom and dad were never married. I am a literal bastard. I love mom despite her weaknesses. I love dad because of his weaknesses. I love my second step-mom Ann (she's a pervert like me, which I didn't get when I was a child but love as an adult). But I don't love my stepdad (the asshole my mom married before my half-bros were born).


My dad was laid back. He accepted things. My step-father was a dick. He was a biologist, which should have made him one of the good guys. Nope. He was a piece of shit. He beat the living daylights out of me when I was too young to fight back. He physically abused me for a good portion of my childhood. I used to go to sleep every night trying to think of ways I could murder him so he wouldn't beat me or my mom or my brothers (his sons) to death.


My biological dad would have been content to let me grow as I am. My step-father, on the other hand, wanted me to grow with a healthy fear of him at my fore front. He beat me mercilessly because he hated seeing me cry. If I shed a tear he would ruthlessly beat me until I had no more tears in me.


No matter how badly friends hurt me I never cried because I was trained not to. I was a cold bastard in my youth. A girlfriend fucked me over? Fuck her. She couldn't hurt me because the King Bastard already hurt me worse.


Sometimes I thought that was a blessing. I couldn't cry for a lot of my adulthood because of this lunatic. But he died. I feel bad for my brothers because he was their dad, and I never want to hurt anyone like that. But I was happy he died. That meant he couldn't hurt anyone else.


Brother Alex told me that my step-father died horribly. His organs were so loaded down with booze that the doctors tried to save him, but like the devil he came back and tried to strangle those Samaritans who tried to save him. Anyone who tried to kill someone trying to save them should fuck themselves,


Never mind that. For a lot of my life I couldn't cry because it was beaten out of me. Within the last five years I relearned. I could not have predicted it, but it feels really fucking good. It's cathartic. It gets the misery out of my system.


I love crying. It makes me feel terrible because I was beaten at a young age that crying makes you a pussy. Being a pussy gets you beaten up a lot.


I'm glad he was wrong. It feels good to unleash my grief. Crying is horrible, but it feels really fucking good afterwards. We should cry more often.


Does anyone I know need to cry? If so, I'm here. Let me know how I can help. I love you all. If I can help, I'm here. Just ask.


Sometimes I fell like I'm all alone. A void surrounds me. I have great friends, but often I feel like I'm alone. When I was a kid I felt like an alien because no one else felt like I did. As an adult I know that others feel the same.I just wish we could all get along despite our differences.


I love you all. Even the assholes who disagree with me. Because we are all in this together.


There is no Heaven. There is no Hell. There is only here and now. We make that happen. Let's make it as nice as we can for as long as we're here. No one else will.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #196: RIP THE NIGHTLY SHOW

I couldn't believe the news. THE NIGHTLY SHOW was canceled today?! That's insane. Granted, the show is still kinda new in the grand scheme of things, but think about it this way. Imagine Comedy Central canceling THE DAILY SHOW. Or NBC canceling THE TONIGHT SHOW. Or CBS canceling 60 MINUTES.


THE NIGHTLY SHOW is one of those shows that should have been around forever. It certainly gave that impression. Maybe it wouldn't continue with Larry Wilmore. Maybe he'd stick with it for 10 years and then pass the torch to someone else.


I think the thing that burns my ass the most is that the Unblackening won't be seen to its conclusion.


I don't understand. The official reason is that the show didn't connect with an audience, but I can't believe that. Just about everyone I know watched the show and loved it. It's a funny fucking show. Maybe uncomfortable for a certain demographic group, but let's face it. This show brought us a different, scathingly smart voice.


I hope THE DAILY SHOW brings all of those great THE NIGHTLY SHOW performers into their fold. Can we at least get the conclusion of the Unblackening?


I'm going to miss this show. So are a lot of other people.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #195: SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO DO SOMEDAY

There are two things you should read in order to get anything out of this GF. The first is my favorite GF I've ever done. It's about a picture that always brings me to tears and the tragedy of Audie Murphy. The other is my Forced Viewing review of GODS AND MONSTERS.


I'm not a big fan of fictionalized stories about real life people. I don't care about Edgar Allan Poe hunting serial killers. As far as I'm concerned Lovecraft never faced off against Cthulhu. And so on. You can point fingers at me for writing about the time that GG Allin went on a dream-quest for dope. Or the time I wrote about Doc Holliday stealing Wyatt Earp's body so he could survive TB. That's fair enough. Because I believe there are some exceptions.


My favorite exception is GODS AND MONSTERS. Is that how James Whale spent his last days? Probably not. But it's a wonderful, beautiful, shocking story.


I kinda want to do the same thing for Audie Murphy. The idea of him going crazy while watching a war movie based on his experience in which he plays himself is creatively stimulating. I would love to sink my teeth into something like that. There is so much nuance in a tale like that. There is so much that could be done. It's impossible to resist.


Is there anyone in the world who would be interested in that? I know that not a lot of people know who Audie Murphy is now. Chances are I'd be writing something that only people over 50 would appreciate. But it's something I'd like to do. I know some publishers. Would any of you want to see something like that? Let me know.

ATTENTION FELLOW AUTHORS! WHO WANTS TO GO TO A FREE FESTIVAL?

One of the cool things about the Printers Row show was meeting librarians. One of them invited me to do a festival in Morris, IL. It's at the end of September. You can read all about it here.


That's pretty cool. I get to sell my books for free. They have a set up for me for free. Here's a few more details from the email followup I got from the librarian:

Last year, we had 13 authors and they all told me they sold books. Some authors sold quite a few. Since I want to keep it simple for my own planning purposes, I don't charge authors to be here and I don't pay authors to be here. We provide a table, chair and an easy up tent. We set up in our parking lot and we get a lot of people passing through from downtown to Corn Festival events in a nearby park.

To add to the excitement of the day, this year, we are combining our comic con with the book festival. So, there may also be light SABR(see what I did there) training, a cosplay contest, Dr. Who trivia, etc. going on at the same time.

Last year, some of the authors said it was a really good book festival, especially for the first one. Authors seemed to make some connections with other authors, especially the ones with whom they shared a table. I love attending author festivals, so I was pretty excited to host my own. I had many people come up to me and tell me to have another one, so we are.


So . . .  local authors, or anyone who might be passing through the area, are any of you interested in doing this show with me? Let me know in the comments, respond on Facebook or Twitter or if you have my phone number, text or call.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #194: CAN'T GET DRUNK? LET ME GIVE SOME ADVICE

I've been working pretty hard of late at my square job, trying to learn everything. Other aspects of my life have suffered because of this. I finally found a moment to relax and do nothing. I switched on the TV and surfed a while until I came upon FX. They were showing the first Captain America movie. I watched for a bit.

And then came the scene after Bucky "dies." Cap is sitting in a bar alone, pouring drinks from a bottle of booze. Agent Carter finds him, and he waxes poetic about the super soldier serum. He says that because of it he heals so quickly that he can't get drunk.

I thought to myself, well, if that's the case maybe you shouldn't drink like that. He pours a bit into a glass and downs it. Of course he's not going to get drunk that way. When your best friend dies, you should get drunk. That's the only sane response.

I wonder what would happen if he drank an entire fifth in one go. I imagine he'd heal pretty quickly, but it can't possibly be instantaneous. No, I think he'd be drunk for a little while at the very least. Maybe he should drink a handle of booze in one go. That would keep him occupied for quite some time.

Then I remembered the scene in Age of Ultron when the Avengers were all getting drunk. Cap looked a bit buzzed there when he was trying to lift Thor's hammer. Maybe the director forgot about Cap's inability to get drunk?

I like to think that he drank a fifth of Tony Stark's booze for that scene. The good stuff. The scotch that Tony doesn't want people to know that he has.

Cap. Seriously. If you need to get drunk give me a call. I can get the job done. I might not be Dr. Whiskey, but I know him. We can help.