EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #16: HITMAN

[NOTE: As much as I wanted to make this one a Forgotten Comic Books column, I just couldn’t. Far too many people remember this one, even if it was brutally murdered by bad sales when it should have been elevated beyond measure as the greatest DC book ever. Still and all, if you have ANY ambitions of reading Garth Ennis and John McCrea’s HITMAN series, you might not want to read this. Here there be spoilers. Ye’ve been warned. Eh, what the hell. I’ll warn you before we get to the big spoilers. Read on.]



Do you know what I would do if I ever found myself in a position of power in the world? If my name is ever big enough to hold clout in the creative industries, I hereby pledge to make a TV series out of the greatest DC comic book ever published (even better than JONAH HEX, and I hold that title in high regards): HITMAN. You see, I’ve long stated that my favorite comic book of all time is PREACHER, but I miss HITMAN so much more. It ended long before it had to. This book, well, it couldn’t go on forever, but it could have gone on a lot longer than it did. It’s just that not enough people were reading it, which makes no sense to me. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, they’re all unworthy of their readership. Well, maybe not Batman, but the rest can go fuck themselves.


You know the best part? I could probably make this TV series on network channels. Sure, there’s a lot of violence, drinking, smoking, and people acting far below an acceptable moral level, but there’s no cursing. There’s no nudity. Writer Garth Ennis even figured out how to make the no-cursing thing seem realistic: the guy who curses the most swore to his dying mother that he’d stop. Therefore, “fuck” and “shit” doesn’t exist in these pages.


I wouldn’t get any big names for the main characters, but I know the series inside and out. I know the characters. I know what makes this a great series. I would make this right, and you would all love it. I’m willing to bet that if I count you among people I would honestly call a friend, you would LOVE this book. Love it like no other. Because if I don’t think you would like this book, I would deem you unworthy of friendship.

Fuck it. The real reason I’m writing this is because I miss HITMAN more than ever, and I want to talk about it. If you’ve never come upon Tommy Monaghan before, I’d like to introduce you. If you’re familiar with Tommy and the boys at Noonan’s, it’s time to reminisce.


Once upon a time, a newcomer to American comics named Garth Ennis, who was only known for writing HELLBLAZER at the time, and his close friend and longtime artistic collaborator, John McCrea, took over the helm of THE DEMON from Alan Grant. The timing was perfect, because shortly after they started, they got the chance to take part in DC’s crossover at the time, Bloodlines. You might remember that this was when a bunch of aliens came to our planet and attacked a bunch of humans. Most of the victims died, but some of them developed superpowers and thus became the new generation of DC superheroes.

The future writer of THE BOYS, Ennis knew even then that he didn’t care for superheroes, so he took the opportunity, in the second DEMON annual, to introduce the world to the hitman with a heart of gold, Tommy Monaghan. While getting ready to take out a big-time mobster via sniper rifle, a Bloodlines alien named Glonth attacks his target. Unfortunately, Glonth notices Monaghan and attacks him.


The mobster is unlucky and dies. Tommy is . . . well, more fortunate. Instead, he wakes up in a hospital with x-ray vision and the ability to read people’s minds. It’s a bit hard for him to control (he wears a pair of sunglasses, even at night, to give him that extra layer so he doesn’t have to spend his life looking at people as skeletons all the time), and it hurts like a bitch (so he spends a lot of his time drinking to kill the pain). But with these newfound abilities, he adopts the name Hitman (although he never uses it himself ever again) and exclusively takes on metahuman jobs. Well, okay, he still takes on mobsters for pizza and beer money. But mostly, if you’ve got a pesky supervillain hanging around, he’ll take the job.


In Tommy’s first adventure as Hitman, he goes to the wake of the mobster Glonth killed, mostly to kill the mobster’s sons, a set of conjoined twins who have put a contract out on Monaghan’s head. In an orgy of blood and violence, Tommy kills one of the twins (which leads to a pretty funny story later on in his life) and meets Etrigan for the first time (also something that will lead to more hilarity down the line).


I don’t know if Ennis meant for Tommy to be a recurring character, but the fans spoke, and he became very popular. He made a couple more appearances in THE DEMON before Ennis ended the book. [HERE’S THAT SPOILER WARNING] In Tommy’s last appearance in the book, he took part in one of the awesomest story arc conclusions ever. He helps Jason Blood, Etrigan’s human host, steal the Demon’s heart. Etrigan, ever popular for his rhyming speech patterns, suddenly loses his playful nature and starts speaking straightforwardly for the first time ever. Now, Tommy’s a pretty questionable sort, but let’s face facts, Etrigan is actually evil. So it’s only natural that Tommy would want to help put the Demon down. However, when he sees just how helpless Etrigan is, he can’t help but add insult to injury . . . BY PINCHING THE DEMON’S CHEEK AND CALLING HIM A BIG PUSSYCAT. (Oh yes, that move does indeed lead to more insanity later. Tommy has made himself an enemy for life with that little move.) [END OF SPOILERS . . . FOR NOW.]

Shortly after the demise of THE DEMON, Ennis and McCrea were given the chance to let Tommy have his own monthly book. In April 1996, HITMAN #1 was unleashed on the world, and the DCU was never the same. It begins simply, with these words: “My name’s Tommy Monaghan, and I kill people for money. It’s a living.” He then goes on to kick off his first story arc by puking on Batman, accepting a job to break into Arkham Asylum and kill the Joker, and battling with a multi-armed Nazi monster called the Mawzir. Hot shit! And over the course of the next few years, SHIT JUST KEPT GETTING BETTER!


Welcome to the Cauldron, which is essentially Gotham City’s version of Hell’s Kitchen. On a particularly dingy street corner squats Noonan’s bar, proprietor Sean Noonan. This is where Tommy Monaghan and all of his friends hang out. We learn over the course of the years that Tommy was an orphan left on Sean’s doorstep as a baby. The bartender then raised young Tommy up alongside his own son, Pat. Sean, a retired hitman himself, pretty much caters to other hitmen. Pat doesn’t go down that path, but he’s more than happy to help “manage” Tommy’s business. Also present are Ringo, Tommy’s main competition and also one of his closest friends, and Hacken, who talks a good game but is ultimately Gotham’s biggest moron. Later on, an old friend from Tommy’s days in the Marines joins the cast, Natt the Hatt, who also, it turns out, is a hitman.


Let’s not forget about Sixpack, the resident drunkard. He believes that he’s a superhero, and he certainly dresses like one, but to give you an idea of what he’s like, he once got drunk and passed out in an alley in the winter, pissing himself. Later, he thought he’d been in a battle with Mr. Freeze. Yeah, he’s like that.


And he’s not alone. He’s the leader of Section Eight, the greatest superhero team to ever grace a comic book page. For example, among their ranks is the Defenestrator, who carries a window with him for the express purpose of throwing evildoers through it. Then there’s Flem Gem, who spits radioactive gunk at bad guys. And how about Dog Welder, who welds dogs to criminals’ faces? But my favorite of all is Bueno Excellente, who fights crime with the power of perversion. Meaning, he sneaks up on the bad guys and rapes them.

With such an august cast, how can you ignore this book? It’s so batshit crazy and off the wall that it is IMPOSSIBLE to ever get bored with this book. And to top it all off, none of these characters are safe. Guess how many of these guys are still alive at the end of the series. Go on. Guess. I’ll tell you a bit later on.


The adventures these guys share are incredible. Remember the time Tommy went up against Nightfist? Yeah, you know the guy. He’s the vigilante who takes on drug dealers . . . so he can steal their drugs . . . so he can do them. Or how about when the Green Lantern stopped by Noonan’s and revealed himself to be a cheapskate? I’ll never forget the Zombie Night at the Gotham Aquarium. Who would? A mad scientist decides to make a bunch of fish and penguins and walruses into zombies?! But I really hold dear the Ace of Killers story arc, when Etrigan returned to Gotham. Catwoman was in on that one. Tommy was real fuckin’ glad to have x-ray vision for that one. [SPOILERS AGAIN] Remember when I said that Tommy had made an enemy for life with that face-pinching incident? Etrigan came back and bargained hard. Some of you may recall that was how he got his heart back. Of course, his grand scheme of betrayal almost got Tommy and Natt killed, but it gave us one of the more memorable characters back from the world of THE DEMON: Baytor. Come on, you know Baytor. Everyone knows Baytor. He goes on to become the back-up bartender at Noonan’s, where the only thing he will ever say is I AM BAYTOR! [END OF SPOILERS]


Tommy and the boys even managed to get in on some of the bigger DC crossovers, like the Final Night, when all the hitmen were stuck in Noonan’s, discussing the time they came closest to getting killed. Shit, Ennis even managed to get Tommy in on the 1,000,000 crossover. Remember that one? Where all of DC’s creators tried to envision what the millionth issue of each book would be like? Seeing as how Tommy is a mere mortal, there is no way in hell he’d be still alive for the millionth issue, so . . . Ennis came up with this time travel thing which has to be read to be believed. (Best part about this one? Look at the cover below. TOMMY IS LIGHTING HIS CIGARETTE WITH A LIGHT SABER!)

I’m not going to talk about every storyline they went through. They’re all awesome, and if you haven’t read them, you need to. It isn’t always about humorous violence and blood orgies. Some of them are pretty serious, like when Tommy finds out who his real father is and, in response to his sister being murdered by the old man, he goes to Ireland to kill the bastard. Or when Tommy goes up against bloodthirsty SAS soldiers, and in the aftermath, he becomes so ashamed of his lifestyle that he and the boys hire themselves out to what they believe is a good cause: a war in another country that turns out to be royally fucked. Or the time when Sixpack actually does save the world.


But for each of those times, something ridiculous happens, like Tommy going back in time and facing off against a T-rex.

And it all leads up to the final storyline, “Closing Time.” [SPOILERS HERE, AND THIS TIME, I FUCKING WELL MEAN IT.] Readership of this book was so low near the end that DC had no choice but to cancel it. However, they were gracious enough to let Ennis bring it to a logical conclusion. Boy, did he ever. Remember how I said very few of these guys are still alive by the end of the book? Only a handful make it. Tommy is not among them. Of Noonan’s boys, only Hacken remains standing at the end. Well, Baytor, too. He’s still tending bar in Sean’s absence. Of Section Eight, only Bueno Excellente still roams the earth.


When it comes down to it, all who remain are Tommy and Natt, trying their best to save a poor pregnant woman who has been targeted by a metahuman regulatory committee. Pinned down by sniper fire, Tommy gets his hand blown off, and as he and Natt run away, trying to escape, Natt gets shot in the chest. They run for the helicopter that’s going to get them out of here, but Natt falls down, unable to continue. Tommy could have easily gotten away. No problem.


But he’s a loyal guy. He goes back, guns blazing, intent on saving his best friend’s life . . . and he gets gunned down for it. The final panel of issue 60 shows Tommy and Natt, blown to shit, breathing out their last.


[END OF SPOILERS]


So, what does it take to make a good Tommy Monaghan? Quick wit. A lot of charm. A healthy dose of devil-may-care with a pinch of heart-of-gold. A lot of love, but a good reserve of hate on call, just in case. And loyalty. A lot of that.

Six years later, Garth Ennis and John McCrae gave us a gift. You see, a while ago, Ennis was supposed to write a JLA special in which Tommy guest starred, but it never happened. DC condensed it to two special issues, and we got the pleasant surprise of seeing Tommy in action once again. In November and December of 2007, we got the JLA/HITMAN crossover, in which Superman tells a reporter the story of how Tommy Monaghan saved his life and the lives of Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and the Flash when a new strain of Bloodlines aliens came to their moon base. The final five pages of issue two are the perfect epilogue to Tommy Monaghan’s story. Read it and see for yourselves.


Here’s my gift to you: a list of all of Tommy Monaghan’s appearances. Not all of them are written by Garth Ennis (as Tommy is owned by DC, not by his creators), but I think you’ll enjoy them all.


THE DEMON ANNUAL #2
THE DEMON #43-45 and 52-54
HITMAN #1-60 (obviously)
HITMAN ANNUAL #1
HITMAN #1,000,000
HITMAN VS. LOBO #1
JLA/HITMAN #1-2
THE BATMAN CHRONICLES #4
JLA #5
SOVEREIGN SEVEN #26
AZRAEL #35
RESURRECTION MAN #9-10
SUPERMAN 80-PAGE GIANT #1

Happy reading! I leave you with this final word on HITMAN:

COOL SHIT 2-9-12

FERALS #2: David Lapham runs rampant once again with his new werewolf book for Avatar. As with last issue, there isn’t really anything remarkable about it, except for a stunning amount of gore. To be expected from a guy whose credits include CROSSED and CALIGULA. The only new development is that our protagonist, Walnutt, is apparently the suspect of the gruesome mutilations, as his semen was found in two of the victims (not surprising, since he’d fucked them both in the recent past), and due to the werewolf attack at the conclusion of last issue, he, too, is one of the Garou. Since he’s sworn to destroy the original monster, it’s pretty obvious where this is going. Considering Lapham’s ruthlessness, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

DICKS #1: YES! YES! YES! DICKS is back! Well, kind of. Avatar is reprinting all of the previous issues before they get to new DICKS about a year or so down the line. In fact, this is the second time they’ve reprinted this issue, except this time it’s in COLOR. Somehow, this makes it even more obscene than usual. And the best part: they reprinted the extras from BIGGER DICKS #1! (In case you don’t know, DICKS was originally put out by Caliber. Avatar bought the rights and reprinted all four issues with extra stuff, hence the title, BIGGER DICKS.) Trio the Fucking Whore is back, as well as Mick O’Lobb and Buddy Wizer, to say nothing of the Wanker’s History of Wanking. Seriously, if you’ve never heard of DICKS, this is your chance to get in on the ground floor. (Well, technically it’s not the ground-ground floor. That would be TROUBLED SOULS and FOR A FEW TROUBLES MORE, the books that got Garth Ennis and John McCrea started. Dougie and Ivor were minor characters in the former, and the latter was pretty much a cleaner version of the first DICKS storyline. But you’ll never find those books, and they’ll probably never be reprinted. Besides, you don’t need to have read them to enjoy this.) Do not hesitate. Get down to your local comic book store and get a copy. Get the offensive cover before they’re all gone. You’ll suck my dick to thank me later.

THE 100 REVIEW CHALLENGE!

Well, what do you know?  Cemetery Dance finally printed and shipped the two volumes of THE CENTURY'S BEST HORROR FICTION.  For those who don't know, these books contain 100 short stories, one for every year of the 20th Century.  Currently, I have a bunch of stuff on my plate, but as soon as I finish it all off, I'm going to review each and every single one of these stories.  One story every weekday.  Keep watching this page for developments.

COOL SHIT 2-2-12

THE BOYS #63: Listen up, motherfuckers. If you’re not reading this book . . . I’ve failed you. I don’t know what else I can say to get you on board. I think I’ve gushed about every issue of this book since I started doing Cool Shit. Well, if you’re still (somehow) on the fence, there are only two issues left after this one. A shit-ton of longtime characters die in this issue. High profile characters. The Homelander’s plan is finally in full swing as superheroes attack Washington. He does such an efficient job because he has tricked both the Boys and Vought into fighting each other while he goes off and kills a bunch of politicians. Butcher is his usual charming self, while Hughie makes a decision which might damn him. Frenchie suffers a little while the Female . . . well, she kicks the shit out of a lot of people, which makes her very happy. This book is so hot, it scorched my hands while reading it. We’re headed for an all-out, fucked-up, gorefest of an ending. Butcher’s going to Washington, you see, and he’s going to get his longtime wish: a final showdown with the Homelander, the superhero who killed the love of his life. Get your head out of your ass and read this book. It is hands down my favorite ongoing series. I haven’t been so excited about a series since, well, PREACHER.

LOCKE AND KEY: CLOCKWORKS #4: Speaking of books that will end soon . . . although don’t worry. Joe Hill’s not nearly as close to the ending as Garth Ennis is with THE BOYS. (This one has nine issues to go.)  As with the previous issue, we get more of the back story of the Locke family, and what exactly Rendell Locke did that irreparably fucked up his group of friends. The pieces are all falling together. We’re almost ready for the final stretch of this story, now that we know how Caravaggio became the creature in the well. It is Rendell’s final magical act as a child, to create a key that will give all of his friends a piece of magic to carry with them for the rest of their lives, even though it’s forbidden by the rules of the house in which he lives. Wait until you read his plan and how it gets fucked up. In case you couldn’t tell, this is my second favorite ongoing series.  (My third is THE WALKING DEAD, which is nowhere near the end, if ever they reach an ending point.)


And now, before I finish up, I’d like to give you another installment of SHIT SHIT. No, I’m not going to talk about that bullshit INFESTATION 2: TRANSFORMERS book, although I should. They’re actually advertising it as steampunk. The fucking nerve . . . . And I’m not going to talk about the new WINTER SOLDIER book. Doesn’t Brubaker write enough CAPTAIN AMERICA books? He needs another one? No, what I want to discuss is . . .

G.I. JOE: A REAL AMERICAN HERO: IDW really needs to bring a stop to this book. I thought it was a cool idea at first, seeing as how my second favorite series when I was a kid was G.I. JOE. Since the title was so popular, why not bring the original series back and pick up where they left off? Well, I now know why not. This is a nostalgia book, nothing more. The stuff that happens in it might have been cool to little-kid me, but it all seems kind of stupid to my adult brain. Also, we have three perfectly good G.I. JOE titles going right now, full of awesome stuff that I occasionally talk about here in Cool Shit. I’ll admit, it’s sometimes fun to see the old Cobra Commander in action, but that alone does not make this a good book. Sorry, Mr. Hama. I genuinely like your stuff, but just not this. Please stop.

CHRISTOPHER CARRION LIVES! A review of ABARAT: ABSOLUTE MIDNIGHT

It’s hard to write really good children’s books, mostly because a lot of people don’t realize that such books have to have a really, really dark side to them. J.K. Rowling understood this, and as a result the Catholic Church has put her on their Shit List. Clive Barker is another writer who gets this concept. Once upon a time, he said one of his favorite books is PETER PAN, mostly because young Pete happens to be a murderous little bastard, which is the general mindset of children when you think about it. They’re walking ids, waiting for age and influence to add conscience to their chemistry.



The one truly annoying thing about Barker’s kids’ series, ABARAT, is that it takes soooo fucking long for a new volume to come out. Years pass between books, and it’s hard to remember exactly what happened in the previous installment. Harry Potter didn’t have this problem because his adventures came out approximately annually.


But Barker is worth the wait. For the most part, his adult work is much better. He is allowed to work through the really dark complexities of the human (or, in many cases, inhuman) condition. When he’s writing for the kiddies, he’s got to play it relatively nice (for instance, his author’s bio makes no mention of his lover of many years, David Armstrong). Still, he doesn’t take it too easy on the little fellas. There is plenty of nastiness to find in these pages.


Candy Quakenbush of Chickentown accidentally found her way to the Abarat, an ocean world where there are 25 islands, one for each hour of the day, and an extra one, years ago. She’s been through many adventures and has gained many allies (and quite a few villains to boot). This time, she has a number of difficulties to deal with, mostly to do with Mater Motley, a vicious witch with a cloak of dolls filled with the souls of her vanquished enemies. The old hag wants to bring darkness to a world where the sun always shines regardless of the hour. She calls this Absolute Midnight, and it is a tribute to the wishes of those she serves, those who live behind the stars. She intends to fill this world with her stitchlings, ragged mud creatures worthy of their scrotum-shrinking name, who will then murder her enemies. “A knife for every heart,” she intones darkly.


Poor Candy also has to deal with Boa, who is a very different kind of villainess. You see, we learned last time around that the Abaratians of old hid Boa, a witch in her own right, inside Candy’s brain, where she lived for all of Candy’s life. Candy never noticed and always thought that Boa was actually herself. Yet now Boa wants out, and while Candy is happy to oblige, she’s deathly afraid that she’s going to lose a part of herself in the process.


And then there’s Christopher Carrion, perhaps Barker’s greatest villain. Thought to be dead at the conclusion of the previous book, we find him washed up on a beach of rotting flesh, where he somehow still lives. At his most powerful, he was the Prince of Midnight, a ghastly gaunt man with a glass neck collar, in which swam the diaphanous nightmares that eventually saved his life. He has a horribly scarred mouth because when he was a child, he had the nerve to utter the word “love.” As a result, Mater Motley, his grandmother, sewed his mouth shut. We found out last time that he was once in love with Boa, which explained his obsession with Candy in the first book. Now that he’s been resurrected, and Candy no longer has Boa in her, he feels nothing but sorrow for our protagonist. You see, the reason he’s such a good villain is because he doesn’t want to be, but he’s too scared to not be his grandmother’s servant. Near the end of the book, he says to Candy that he wishes she’d gone back to the Hereafter (earth) when he’d told her to, because now he has to kill her. He is easily the most sorrowful character in the series, and even though he has done many terrible things, a reader can’t help but feel sorry for him. Even Candy herself admits this later in the third volume.


It takes a while for Barker to get into the swing of this story. There are a few false starts throughout the first quarter of the book, which weakens this volume a bit. However, even if the narrative falters at times, the true star of this book, as with the others, is his artwork. The paintings are the reason it takes him so long to get each volume complete, but he takes such care with them the wait is worth it. Think about some of the darkest images you’ve ever seen in a children’s book, and multiply them by a hundred, and that’s what you get here. Barker’s not playing around; he’s out to give your kids nightmares as frightening as those that float around Christopher Carrion’s face.

Even if you feel like giving up in the beginning, don’t. The ending is completely worth it. Although he chickens out when it comes to killing one of the main (and most beloved) characters, the rest of it is mindblowingly awesome. To most of Candy’s companions, it’s heartbreaking, but to Candy and Malingo and Gazza . . . it’s a new world of gods and monsters! A new world full of potential and possibilities! Yes, there is a fourth book on the way, and a fifth after that, and it might take a half-decade before we get to come back to the Abarat, but anyone under its spell already knows they’ll be willing and eager to buy the next volume.


ABARAT: ABSOLUTE MIDNIGHT
Written and painted by Clive Barker
Published by Harper
569 pages
$24.99

COOL SHIT 1-26-12

THE WALKING DEAD #93: We’re still in kind of a lull, as this is just the beginning of a new storyline, but it seems like things are going to heat up really fast. Just when you start thinking Rick is turning a new leaf, that he’s finally going to be less psycho than he’s been for the past 70-ish issues, he pulls some paranoid violence out of his ass and quite possibly fucks up any chance of getting civilization up and running again. It’s slowly starting to dawn on me that no matter how fucked up things get, Rick and his crew might actually be the villains of this book. What a horrifying concept!

TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #1: The sister book to MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE starts out with Cybertron in a horrible mess. Prowl has left the Decepticons in charge of keeping the peace, and to control them, he’s installed a device in all of them. If they misbehave, he can make their heads explode. Of course, them being Decepticons, they take their duties too far and essentially become stormtroopers. In the meantime, Bumblebee is stuck between his duties, making things work with the Decepticons, and trying to bring the expat Transformers into the fold. Things are clearly not working, especially since most people think he murdered Rodimus Prime and hundreds of others for political reasons. He does not help matters by using Prowl’s device to blow up a Decepticon’s head. And with Ratbat in the middle of it all, being his usual politician self, one suspects Bumblebee’s attempts at leadership will be run right off the rails.

ANGEL AND FAITH #6: This book has been good, but not great . . . until now. In this issue, through a flashback, we get to see some of Giles’s past, about his training to become a Watcher. It’s kind of interesting, because very few fans have probably considered the trials he had to go through to become the man he was before Angel cruelly murdered him at the end of season 8 of BUFFY. It’s very easy to see how he became Ripper during his teenage years. In addition to this, we finally get to meet Faith’s father (which should turn out pretty interesting), and Drusilla is back . . . and sane?!

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #23: DUDE! SKINNER SWEET LIVES! I now have a reason to continue reading this book! It’s odd, seeing as how it looked pretty obvious that he’d died in World War II, but here he is, in the ‘Fifties, being pursued by Travis, whose parents he’d killed. Travis is actually a pretty interesting character in his own right. After witnessing the deaths of his parents and growing up in a loony bin, he’s made a life out of hunting vampires . . . and biting them back. Even though he’s got a gun that shoots wooden bullets (in lieu of carrying stakes), he has a set of fangs he wears so he can actually bite offending vampires. How quirky is that?! This is quickly becoming my favorite story arc of this entire series.

A PERFECT GENTLEMAN: A whiskey review of Old Thompson

You’ve heard of Old Fitzgerald, Old Overholt, Old Grand-Dad, Old Forrester, and even Old Crow. Prepare yourself for a real gentleman: Old Thompson. It’s the customary 80-proof for whiskey, but you’d hardly know it has any alcohol content, it is that smooth. Don’t worry, it doesn’t taste fruity or anything. It is definitely booze, but it practically has no bite to it.



The label has this to say about its quality: “The whiskeys in this finer tasting American blend were produced with extreme care by expertly skilled craftsmen before blending with finest quality natural spirits.” That’s a lot of words to say absolutely nothing, by the way. In case you didn’t know this was blended whiskey, they say it three times on the bottle. However, this seems to be saying that they mixed whiskey with spirits . . . which are the same thing. To top it all off, it says in big bold letters at the bottom of the label: PREMIUM.


So like all real gentlemen, it’s pretentious as all fuck. The label betrays no real age, although it does have kind of an old fashioned style to it. Perhaps it’s been kicking around since the ‘Fifties, when men were men and booze was booze.


Despite the posturing, though, it’s cheap. Real cheap, as far as bourbon goes. When you get down to it, it’s whiskey for people who might not like the taste of whiskey. It’s not candy, but it’ll fuck you up if you let it. Why not give it a whirl?