So I've been going to IOP meetings for a couple of months now. Those are the 3-hour meetings I go to three times a week in my attempt to stay away from booze. The first thing we do is check in, and each of us goes over a checklist of things. One of the questions is, do you have drug dreams? They include alcohol in that, as they should. It's the PAWS part I almost always say no to.
But over the weekend I had a pretty strong drug dream. I dreamed that I was at a bar with friends, and I did what I always do at bars: I drank. A lot. Then, after a while, I remembered HOLY SHIT! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS! The first thing I thought about, in my dream, was having to admit that I'm no longer on my winning streak. Remember how last week I talked about how rare it is for me to feel shame? I felt a deep shame in this dream. I thought, how could I show my face at my IOP meeting on Monday?
Intellectually, I know that I can do that easily. If you slip up, no one shames you. Yet at the same time I have this sense that if I did say, whoops, I'm one day from my last drink now, that my peers would be disappointed with me. Which wouldn't be the case if I did show up, by the way. As long as you're there, you're showing that you want to be better.
So it makes dream sense, but also at the same time, I think dreams do mean something. Nothing supernatural. Just a mishmash of shit that's moving around in your head. I'm pretty sure I subconsciously felt that I didn't want to disappoint the others in my IOP meeting.
That's probably a good sign, right?
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