Comics like to ask the what-if question often. So do I. I sometimes find myself in a position where I take what seems like an obvious course of action and come up with the least obvious explanation and still have it make a degree of sense. Tonight I'm wondering if maybe Bruce Wayne should have had his parents killed.
Yes, I know. Not a popular train of thought, but let's ride it to the terminus.
I'm not the first person to wonder what the fuck the wealthy Wayne family was doing walking down Crime Alley in the first place. It's a thought that has crossed many fans' minds, so I won't bother going too far into that one.
Picture if you will. The Wayne family. Happy couple Thomas and Martha (why did you say that name?) with their son Bruce decide to take in a movie for the night. They head out to the theater, back when that was a special occasion, so they're all dressed up. Martha has her finest pearls around her neck. They watch a Zorro wannabe movie, and Bruce loves it.
But even a mugger (or possible hitman) like Joe Chill likes going to the show every once in a while. Maybe he likes the Zorro wannabes out there. So he sits near the Wayne family, having no idea who they are. And all of a sudden, their kid starts making faces at Joe. He ignores the kid, but then the kid gives him the middle finger and makes quiet laughing gestures throughout the entire picture. Joe's pretty steamed up. What's the best revenge you can get against a child?
You kill his parents. Joe waits for them in Crime Alley, his home away from home (or possibly just his home), and then he murders them. But while he's here, that looks like a lovely pearl necklace. It'll keep him in beer money for quite some time. Why not rob the obviously wealthy family?
And yeah. Let's leave li'l Bruce alive so he can remember the time he made fun of a man, and the man killed his parents to give him what-for. Snot-nosed brat. He had it coming.
It could have ended there, Bruce. You should have taken your licks and stayed down. But oh no, you had to become a sociopathic lunatic dressed in a bat suit, beating the shit out of people left and right, driving a vehicle that is obviously not street legal, to say nothing of the plane and the chopper and whatever the fuck else you have poor put-upon Lucius Fox building for you.
Alfred, you son of a bitch. You could have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, but you didn't live up to your guardianship of young Master Bruce. I blame you, Alfred. You let the Batman get out of line. WAY OUT OF LINE. You've got a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous.
Maybe Joe should have just shot Bruce in that alley instead of his parents. I like that version from Flashpoint, where Thomas Wayne is Batman and Martha Wayne is the Joker. Good times.
I'd say that I'm available to write for DC, but that's a gig that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But hey, at least my bullshit would be a lot more interesting than 95% of what DC is putting out these days.
Check that. DC, give me a gig writing Section Eight. That's the only title you have that's worth getting fucked over by you guys. Oh, the things I could do with Bueno Excellente . . .
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