It's my 236th day from booze, and I had a dream last night about drinking. I dreamed that I was at a party with a friend of mine, and someone said it was time for booze. That someone may or may not have been me.
So I grabbed a bottle of vodka and poured myself a huge glass of it. I should have known that I was dreaming at that point because I can't stand vodka. Vodka makes me do crazy things, usually after just one shot. I "remember" a time I tried to bang a hole through a friend's kitchen wall after a shot of vodka. The quotation marks are because I don't remember it. I was told about it the next day, and I believed it because my head was sore.
Anyway, in the dream I held up my glass and toasted my friend. "Here's to saying goodbye to 235 days!" I said.
He looked weird at me. "Dude, are you sure?"
"Hell yeah!' And I put the glass to my mouth. I felt the vodka splash on my lips. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't take a drink. I took the glass away and looked at it like it might be defective, then I tried it again with the same result.
Nope. I couldn't do it. It's weird because I remember, when I left detox, that I had every intention of drinking on my birthday and looked forward to it. And then I didn't do it. And now, even though there are times I'm tempted to drink, I don't do it because I have a part of me that's afraid to do it. I'm wondering if maybe my time in detox pulled a Ludovico type treatment on me.
I keep thinking I'm going to drink again one day, but maybe I won't. This dream makes me think I won't. If I can't make myself do it in a dream, there's no way in hell I can do it in real life, right?
There is still a list of things that I know will make me drink. One of them is probably going to happen soon. I guess I'll find out when that time comes.
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