Yeah, yeah, I know. I was a weird kid. You don't have to remind me of my desire to swim in the literal filth of icky sticky poo land, for example. So I'm going to tell you about another odd desire I had when I was still in elementary school.
I wanted to be cut in half.
I can't even explain this one today, but I remember thinking about getting cut in half all the time. And not just like the the old magic trick, which was one of my favorites. Although I will say that I wanted a magician to do that to me. I knew it wouldn't be real, and I even knew how the trick was done, but I wanted it to be recorded so I could later watch myself being sawed in half and then wheeled around in two parts onstage.
But I wanted to be cut in half. Like, pit-and-the-pendulum style. While trying to fall asleep--and keep in mind, I was maybe eight years old at the time--I would envision myself tied to a giant stone slab with the pendulum swooping back and forth, inching closer and closer, until it zipped right through me. I would pull with my hands so that my bloody torso could lift into the air, spilling my intestines everywhere.
One of my favorite David Copperfield tricks was when he did Death Saw when I was about nine. It's great, and just to refresh my memory I watched it again this very minute. It's fun, even though you can tell how it was done. But when I first saw (heh) it as a kid, I didn't know that was going to happen. I'd never seen that trick done before *without* the box, and it thrilled me.
Nowadays I'm not all that excited to be cut in half. My body has enough problems without actually getting it cut into. But I still would kind of like a magician to do that to me onstage. Maybe someday.
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